CALLED TO BE A FAMILY

“A Commitment to Love and not to Grieve”
 Eph. 4:29-5:2
Bob Bonner
June 17, 2007

In his biography of Bill Cosby’s life, entitled, “The Cosby Wit” Bill Adler records the following embarrassing moment in Bill Cosby's life. Cosby had been invited up to the late Ray Charles's suite one day. And for those of you who are younger and don't know, Ray Charles was a dynamic blind singer and pianist. Well, Cosby walks into Ray’s suite and finds the lights out. So, in the pitch-dark, Cosby calls out, "Hey Ray, where are you?"

Ray Charles answers back, "I'm in the bathroom, shaving."

To which Cosby asked, "Ray, why are you shaving in the dark?" At that moment, Cosby does a double take in the middle of his own sentence. He can't believe he said what he just did. Cosby recalls, "I tried to stop my mouth right there, but the rest of it came out anyway: ‘With the lights out?’"

Cosby thought to himself, "DUMB! DUMB! DUMB!"

Ray Charles was pretty cool in his response. He tells Cos, "I've been shaving in the dark all my life."

To which Cos, quickly tries to recover by saying, "Aw, I was just joking, Ray. Bet you have a low electric bill, though, don't you?" [p. 38 The Cosby Wit, Bill Adler.]

Have you ever been in a situation like that, when right in the middle of saying something really dumb, inappropriate or even hurtful, your brain is screaming, “Stop! Stop! Stop!” but your mouth keeps rattling on? The things we say can sure get us in trouble and hurt others as well. The degree to which we learn to control our tongues can be a real measure of spiritual growth and maturity. I say, “can be” because some people rarely say anything. And if you rarely speak, you can’t use your speech, whether good or bad, as a measuring stick of your spiritual progress. In addition, the Apostle James makes it very clear, in James 3:8 “But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison”. James’ warning is right on: None of us had better turn our backs upon our tongues, thinking we have tamed them so as to not hurt anyone. Because as soon as we think we have controlled our tongues, our tongues will start attacking others. All of us have a problem with our mouths; some to more of a degree than others. As a result, we must join the Psalmist in Psalm 141:3, who cries out in dependence upon God to, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips”.

There is so much more we could have included in this brief series that the Board has designed, entitled, “Called to Be a Family,” but we have decided to conclude with this final message, with a study that involves our tongues. If you have your Bibles with you, please open them to Ephesians 4:29.  

Elsewhere, in John’s gospel, Jesus made it clear that, as His disciples, one of our missions in life, is to demonstrate to the world that we are truly His disciples by the way that we practice loving one another. One of those ways we are to love one another is in the proper use of our tongues. 

In our passage for this morning, the Apostle Paul, moved supernaturally by the Holy Spirit concludes this section of Scripture that began at Ephesians 4:1. In his concluding remarks, he gives us basically, two commands that give us guidance as to how to reflect God’s love to our world. The first command is a prohibition. In it, God tells us to stop doing something which reflects more hatred than it does love. In the second command, we are exhorted to start and to continue doing something that will demonstrate our love for each other to those around us who may be paying attention. 

Follow along in your Bibles as I read these verses, beginning with Ephesians 4:29. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”

The first command given in these verses is, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth...  Or more literally, in the Greek, it says, “Stop unwholesome words from coming out of your mouth!” That word "unwholesome" literally means "something that is corrupt, spoiled, rotten, smelling with decay or filled with disease." It's more than just unpleasant speech, it is infectious communication that can cause a spiritual sickness to come over the entire local church family. Hence, maybe a better way to state Paul’s prohibition would be: "stop infectious communication." 

This unwholesome speech or “infectious communication” that Paul has in mind here might include lying and coarse jesting, but I doubt it. For he has already spoken to the issue of lying in verse 25. And in 5:4, he will speak to the issue of “coarse jesting.”  But in the immediate context, the kind of speech that Paul mentions as unwholesome words he identifies two verses later in verse 31.  Unwholesome or infectious words such as words of “bitterness,” “wrath,” “anger,” “clamor” and “slander.” Those kinds of infectious communication don’t promote spiritual growth, unity and peace in the body, but rather they cause factions, divisiveness and other spiritual diseases that lead to disunity.

When this kind of speech is allowed within the local church family, the local church quickly ceases to fulfill its purpose to glorify God. No longer are believers loving one another or being useful vessels to reach out to a dying world, lost without Christ. And in turn, as verse 30 alludes to, we grieve the Holy Spirit rather than bring glory to God.

The word “grieve” means “to sadden or bring heartbreak or sorrow” to someone you love or to someone important to you. Ray Stedman made the following excellent observation about our ability to grieve someone. He writes,

“It is impossible for you to grieve someone who does not love you, nor can you be grieved except by those whom you love. If someone who does not love you is offended by what you do they are not grieved but are angry, enraged. Grief is always an indication of the presence of love.” [RCS sermon notes on Eph 4:30-32, p.3]

Who can question God’s love for us? And yet, we disregard His love for us when we grieve His Spirit by deliberately using rotten poisonous speech that tears down others.

God so wants us to understand the destructiveness of unwholesome speech, that He lists several examples of it in verse 31. Paul writes, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice”.  As I view this grocery list of infectious manner of communication, I sense that the first one mentioned, “bitterness” is the root cause for such speech, out of which the others grow. 

“Bitterness” reflects a smoldering resentment, a grudge-filled attitude. It is the spirit of irritability that keeps a person stirred up in perpetual animosity. It makes one sour and venomous in the way one treats others. Bitter persons can't see the potential, the success achieved, the positive. They are not able to be good supporters or encouragers of others. They are always focused on the negative, the mistakes of others. Typically, their lives are controlled by fear.

The great preacher, Martyn Lloyd-Jones writes, “Bitterness describes the kind of life which has become sour; it is not ready to believe good of anybody or anything, but is always ready to believe evil; it is always somewhat cynical, takes the glory out of everything, tries to spoil everything. When it is shown something beautiful, it does not praise the ninety-nine percent that is beautiful but always points to the one percent defect.”

Bitterness is more an attitude of the heart than it is a direct action. However, bitterness never hides itself. It always reveals itself in speech or action. Hence, the words that follow it in verse 31 are examples of its outward expression.  A moment ago, I mentioned Ray’s observation that grieving is an indication of the presence of love. Similarly, the rest of these terms mentioned in verse 31, are an indication of the presence of bitterness and hatred.

For instance, “wrath” is a word that describes violent excitement, a kind of boiling over with wild rage, that has been fueled by the fires of bitterness.

“Anger” on the other hand, is more of a settled and regular state or condition of the mind. Whereas “wrath” might be described as “white heat,” “anger” would be more of a “red heat,” representative of a deep motional smoldering.

                                                                 “Clamor” refers to a verbal brawling. It would include things like shouting violently at someone. It reveals a loss of control.

The next to outward expressions of bitterness, “slander” and “malice” are almost synonymous, with just the slightest of difference. Both are terms that describe the wicked enjoyment one receives from desiring to hurt someone else by one’s calculated passing on of “juicy” information about another person. The only difference is that “slander” might include part or maybe the entire truth about a person’s failure, whereas “malice” is based on lies and deliberate misinformation. The end goal of both slander and malice is to cause another person to lose face before others.

Every Christian possesses what the Bible calls the “flesh.” The flesh is that propensity to live independent of God and everyone else. It is to live for one’s self and one’s own benefit, no matter the cost to others. The flesh is powerful and will only be eradicated from our lives when we die, go to be with Jesus and receive our new resurrection bodies, that will not contain this thing called “the flesh.” 

Hence, this world will always be filled with people, including Christians, who are harsh, insensitive and cruel critics. That’s why God calls each of us to put down the flesh in our own lives by “putting away” these infectious forms of outward displays of bitterness. It requires an ongoing commitment to live and love as Christ loved us. But thankfully, we don’t have to do it alone. If you and I are willing, you and I can help each other put away infectious corrupt communication.

Here are two suggestions to helping each other silence our “infectious communication” about others:

The first may be obvious, but it still needs to be stated: Be personally committed to stopping the spread of infectious communication. And that means that you go before God and seek His help in reminding you of keeping your own mouth closed or practicing stopping in mid-sentence when you find your self spreading “infectious” comments about others.

This final suggestion is only for the strong and brave. I warn you that it might end a friendship between you and the guilty party, but at least it's a guaranteed way of halting the continual garbage being delivered to your ears, which, for your sake, is necessary for you halt, to maintain your own spiritual health. And that suggestion is to openly admit to the offender, "I don’t appreciate hearing that.”

Don Basham once said, "Sometimes I think the whole Christian world is made up of just 2 groups: those who speak their faith and accomplish significant things for God, and those who criticize and malign the first group." [CT 9/5/86 "On the tip of My tongue."] Let’s commit to not being a part of or supporting those whose speech is “infectious,” and commit to joining those who use their tongues to build up and encourage.

Paul’s second command, which balances his first prohibition is also found in verse 29 Paul states, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification”.

What kind of words are "good edifying words?” There are two different words for "good" in the original language. The word for "good" used here is not the one that refers to good as opposed to evil or wicked. But rather "good" in the sense of being worthwhile, profitable, beneficial and of good character.

The word "edifying" comes from a word which originally referred to the building or remodeling of a house. It has come to mean “to cause something to improve” or “to promote growth.” Hence, Paul’s command in essence is to “Stop speaking infectious words and start speaking healthy words that build others up.” Or, “Start speaking words that promote growth.” Paul even stresses the beneficial aspect of building up others by adding "that they may give grace to those who hear."

When we move over to verse 32, we see what Paul specifically had in mind when he wrote about words that promote growth. He says, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you”. More literally, the original language states, “Be to one another the following: be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving...” I note this because there is not just one concept being mentioned here, but three: be kind to one another, be tender-hearted toward one another and be forgiving toward one another. Each of these three one another’s speaks to a different practice we are encouraged to make as a part of our lives with one another.

This expression, “be kind” literally means to do “what is suitable or fitting to a need.” We might call it “being helpful.” When it comes to “kind words” or wholesome words, these would be words which come from someone whose attitude is not one of always looking out for something you can find fault with, but rather looking out for something you can praise.

The other day in my devotional reading, I came across Galatians 5:14-15. As I read these verses, I couldn’t help but see the connection they have to our subject in this series, and in particular to God’s command to being helpful or kind to one another. Paul writes, “For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself. But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another’”.  As to infectious communication versus being kind or helpful to one another, these verses warn us that if you continue to blast each other based upon your own personal preferences, you will destroy each other! And obviously, that is not being kind or helpful to promoting growth in one another.

 “Being tender-hearted” has the idea of being compassionate. It reflects a feeling that comes from deep within one’s being, maybe even a painful feeling due to empathizing for someone else’s need. Right now, we have several families in our church family who are undergoing some heartbreaking circumstances that have given us opportunities to be tender-hearted. With being tender-hearted, we are sharing their emotional pain.  

The third one another mentioned in verse 32 is to be forgiving. You might be interested to know that this word, “forgiving” probably doesn’t mean what you think it does. Until recently, I did not know that in the New Testament there are two Greek words translated “forgive.” One of those words actually means to forgive in the sense that God forgives sin and pardons the sinner. That is not the word used here. 

The word used in this verse is the second word that we often translate “forgive” and it comes from the same root word from which the word “grace” or “gift” is derived, “charisma.” Literally, when Paul says “forgive” in this verse, he is saying, “be gracious” or “give graciously” or “freely give your favor to someone.” You have heard me say many times before that God has called us to grant each other wobble room in our growing up in the Lord. In other words, allow each other to make mistakes and time to grow at our own pace without being quick to pounce or be harsh in our correction. That is exactly what this word for “forgive” has in mind. And when you read the rest of the verse, that is exactly how Christ has worked with each of us. He has not corrected us or disciplined us at every turn or failure in our lives. He has allowed us to struggle along in our growth.

As I step back and look at what Paul says back in 4:1, and how we are commanded to “long suffer with one another” and compare it to this last one another in verse 32, “forgive one another” or “live graciously with one another” I realize that these one another’s are synonymous. In other words, this chapter has two bookends, stressing the same thing. That if we are going to work well with each other; if we are going to truly function as a family that loves one another, then we must be committed to be gracious, ready and willing to long suffer with one another, just as Christ has done with each of us. If we are going to bring glory to Jesus Christ by the way we function as a church in a dark world, then we must portray His grace toward one another, especially as it concerns the way we speak to and about one another. 

Furthermore, when we don’t do this, when we don’t live graciously with one another, but instead, out of hearts filled with bitterness, speak wrathfully, angrily, slanderously and maliciously about one another, then we don’t fulfill this basic purpose for our existence, to reflect the love of Jesus Christ to our neighbors. Instead, we grieve the Holy Spirit. We break God’s heart over pushing for our own preferences, which are rooted in our arrogance.

As I see it, Paul concludes this section of Scripture with these words from 5:1-2. He says, “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma”. Jesus is clearly telling us here that His goal for humbling Himself before us, by becoming a man and subjecting Himself to our rejection of Him and crucifixion of Him, was all done on our behalf because He loves us. Furthermore, if we have truly realized His humble love toward us, then we, with hearts of humility and putting the best interests of others first, should likewise honor Christ with loving one another in the same way He has loved us. When we do, we fulfill His goal for us as a local church. We become a fragrant aroma of God’s love.  And in that loving environment, one in which no “infectious communication” is allowed to take place among us, we become a healthy church family, impacting other lives for Christ.

When I first entered seminary, it was during our orientation that the dean warned us, the new students, that it was up to us as to how much we would get out of our own education. He told us that every year, each new class hatched its own brood of “turkeys” also known as "boo birds,” who, with their unwholesome speech, their “infectious communication,” could find fault with everything and everyone in the school. Everything from the way a professor taught his class to the way the gardeners cared for the landscape around our campus.

Our dean warned us that if we find ourselves flying with a flock of these "boo birds" to break formation and fly in another direction, with the peacemakers, the “doves.” For if we did not determine now to quickly break ranks when the boo birds flew by, we would be infected with their disease and more than likely, we would get little out of our education and even worse, we would become just like them.

I naively thought that maybe our class would be the first class without a hatch of "boo birds." But six weeks into the semester, those turkeys began to appear. I took the dean’s advice and stayed clear. To this day, I have never regretted it, and received much from my education.

The local church made up of Christians is just like a seminary of Christians. We would be naive to think we didn't have turkeys or boo birds amongst us. We do. And furthermore, since there is no such thing as a perfect church, just like there is no such thing as a perfect seminary, boo birds can spoil the church-family life that God wants you to experience. But if you want to experience that family life amongst a group of imperfect people, then it’s up to you to determine which flock you will choose to fly with.

Do we listen to the boo birds who only focus on where we fall short, and on what we should have done, but didn't? Or, do we listen to those who not only see our shortcomings but have the maturity to see beyond them and onward to what positive things God is doing even amidst our imperfection? If one listens to the boo birds rather than shooing them away, one can't help but become discouraged. But if one listens to the gracious doves, one will be filled with hope and excitement about what God is doing in our midst. 

Therefore, I will conclude by challenging you with similar words that my seminary dean challenged me with: If you find yourself in the nest of the boo birds, point out their error. If they don't change, move to the other side of the nest where the gracious doves live. If you don't, then just keep in mind that by the way you choose you win or lose; and "birds of a feather will flock together."

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