CALLED TO BE A FAMILY

“Honoring One Another”
Romans 12:10
Bob Bonner
May 13, 2007

Back in the 1750's, when the British and French were fighting in Canada, Admiral Phipps, the commander of the British fleet, was told to anchor outside Quebec. He was given orders to wait for the British land forces to arrive, and then to support them when they made their attack upon the city of Quebec. Phipps' navy had  arrived early and had to wait for the land forces to show up. 

As he waited, Admiral Phipps became annoyed by the statues of the saints that adorned the towers of a nearby cathedral. So he commanded his men to take artillery practice, shooting at them with the ships' cannons. No one knows how many rounds were fired or how many statues were knocked out. But when the British land forces arrived and the signal was given to attack, the admiral was of no help; for he had used up all his ammunition shooting at the "saints."

Today we, the saints, have been commanded by God, to join Him in the most profound spiritual war known to mankind---a war that concerns the souls of men and women. And the Admiral Phipps Christians, the saints, are taking potshots at one another, rather than building up each other and equipping one another that we might be an effective spiritual army in this battle for the eternal souls of men and women. As a result of being so busy tearing down one another, we are leaving ourselves ineffective as the vehicle through which God has chosen to reach the lost and to glorify Himself.

Understand, this is not something unique to our day. It has been happening ever since the birth of the church in the first century. Both of the Apostle Paul’s letters to the church at Ephesus and Philippi are testimonies to this fact. In both of these two letters to those two Churches, Paul reminds them and us as to what the commission of the church is. In this brief 10 week series, entitled, “Called To Be A Family” the elders have sensed God’s timing and leading that we should go back to the basics to review why it is that God has called us together, as followers of Christ, so that we might be all that God has called us to be and to achieve as a local church family.

In case you are a visitor, or maybe you have missed a message or two during this series, allow me to quickly walk you through what we have covered so far. We began with standing back to regain perspective of the big picture, that is, to take a good look at why God has saved each of us and has chosen to leave us here on earth, post salvation, rather than immediately transporting us to heaven upon our salvation. We acknowledged that the Westminister Catechism and Confession well-summarized the ultimate purpose for the human race as we remain on earth. In short, it declares that “The Chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” Next, we examined what that really means as we live today, on earth, amidst a sin-filled world. We concluded that principally, there are three ways that we can glorify God on this sin-filled earth that we will not be able to glorify God in heaven.

 First, the Bible clearly teaches that we bring glory to God by our individual, personal, obedient, walk with Christ. As each of us daily seek to know the Lord’s will for our lives and live obediently in it. 

Second, we noted that we can bring glory to God here on earth through personal/corporate outreach to the lost. That is, that each of us take so seriously the eternal destiny of friends, family members, and neighbors, that we pray for, reach out to, and stand ready at any moment, to share with them how they can have a personal intimate relationship with the living God through knowing Jesus Christ as their personal Savior and Lord. 

Third, and the focus of our series, is how we together as a local church can bring glory to God by functioning as a healthy family, building up one another in love. Thus far, as we have taken a closer look at what distinguishes a healthy church family that loves one another, from an unhealthy church family that has ceased to bring glory to God, we have seen in Ephesians 4, that the Apostle Paul has noted several things that make up a healthy church family.

First, Paul points to the commitment made by the individuals of a healthy church family to suffer long with one another, for the purpose of maintaining

the unity of the family. The individuals of a healthy church family realize that what’s most important is not one’s own individual’s preferences, or one’s own rights or personal hurts caused by another in the church, but what is most important is that the family fulfills its calling to build up one another so that together they can reach the lost for Christ. Hence, forgiveness and longsuffering is openly practiced in a healthy church family.

We also noted that Paul next points to the roles of the “parents” and “children” or the spiritual leadership and the congregation in a healthy church family. And then, to help us better understand how a healthy church family functions, Paul illustrates for us that a healthy church family functions like a healthy human body. In addition, Paul noted that the medium, the life blood of the healthy family, is that they learn to love one another.

Joe pointed out last week that “loving one another” is the umbrella, “one another” over all the “one another” commands we have in Scripture. Or, to put it another way, the writers of the New Testament explain how to “love one another” by calling us to obey the other “one another’s” listed in Scripture. For instance, if I am going to truly love you, then I must choose to suffer long with you when your words or actions offend me. If I am going to truly love you, I can’t act like a single person whose actions don’t affect others. I have to realize that, like a married person who is joined as a member to his wife, like my wife, there are others who have preferences that are just as important as mine, and I need to value and work with you in those areas. In other words, it is not all about me and my wants.                      

In addition, Joe showed us from Ephesians 4, that being “members of one another” in a healthy church family requires that people be aware of certain activities which reflect that you value being a member joined to another. For instance: Eph. 4 tells us that healthy family members choose to tell the truth to one another, rather than lie. They don’t rip off one another, but when necessary, they meet each other’s financial needs. In public or private, they don’t tear down one another, but look for ways to encourage and build up one

another. Healthy family members don’t treat one another in a heavy-handed sort of way, speaking harsh words toward one another, rather they are gentle and kind, even when instructing.

This morning, we want to continue our study of the characteristics of a healthy family by looking at two more “one another” concepts that more fully demonstrate how a healthy family practices “loving one another.” Both of the one another’s that we are going to look at this morning come from terms that are uniquely used among family members, further supporting the idea that we must learn what it is to be a family and be committed to living as such. Both are listed in Romans 12:10. It reads, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.”

The term "be devoted" is a familial term that literally refers to the mutual love of parents and children, and husbands and wives. It could be translated "show the loving affection that is common amongst a close-knit family." Webster’s Dictionary describes this kind of devotion as being supportive of one another. Christians are to be just as devoted or supportive of one another as the individual members of a close-knit family unit, for truly, we are a unique family.

Being part of a healthy family is sadly something with which only some people can identify. It’s my observation that one of the reasons the local church family struggles to live in harmony today is that so many people come from fractured and broken families and as a result, many don’t know how to relate to one another in a healthy way. On the other hand, those who have experienced a healthy family sense the added meaning and dimension this term, being devoted to one another brings to the church. It brings the idea that members of a family treat one another with warmth, tenderness, concern, support and loyalty.

Like the term "devoted," the word for "brotherly love" (philadelphia) refers to the love that should exist between brothers and sisters in a family. Applied to the functioning church, it refers to the love Christians should have for each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul refers to this family devotion in Ephesians 3:14, when he says, "For this reason, I kneel before the Father, from Whom the whole family of believers in heaven and on earth derives its name."

The term "brothers,” adelphos, is used to refer to the "Christian family" approximately 230 times, throughout the New Testament, beginning with the book of Acts. The word literally means "from the womb." When used in reference to Christians, it draws attention to the fact that we have all been "born again" from the same womb or from the same source, into God's forever family.

Allow me to illustrate for you just one way a pastor lived out loving one another through being devoted to one another, even when one member of the family blows it. A young family in the church invited this pastor and his wife over for dinner after the service. Like many mothers, this particular mother was very concerned that it be a perfect event. She drilled the children days in advance about their proper behavior. Finally, when the day came and the meal was cooked and at exactly the right time, everyone was invited to come into the dining room where the table was set out with a white lace table cloth, the good china, silverware, a centerpiece, candles and everything. They sat down at this formal table where the father opened in prayer. When the blessing was over the little nine-year-old daughter reached for her glass of iced tea and knocked it over.

The little brother jumped to get out of the way and in the process, knocked over his ice tea. There was an awkward moment of silence as everybody kind of looked to the mother realizing how disappointed she was. She had gone to so much trouble and now there was this huge stain in the middle of the white lace table cloth. But before anybody could say anything, the father flipped over his glass of tea and started to laugh. The preacher caught on and flipped over his tea and started to laugh. The preacher's wife knocked over her glass of tea and started to laugh. And everybody looked to the mother and finally, with an expression of resignation, she picked up her glass and just dumped it out in the middle of the table and everybody around the table just roared with laughter. Then, the father looked down at his nine-year-old daughter right beside him and he winked at her. She then laughed embarrassedly and winked back at him. But as she did, it flicked a tear onto her cheek and it rolled down her face. Rather than giving her a scornful look, his devoted love rescued her from one of life’s most embarrassing moments. Love covers a multitude of sins. Devoted love does not highlight it for everyone to see.

Just like a normal close-knit family that is committed to one another, loyal, trusting, forgiving, not grudge holders, tender, supportive and respecters of other persons in the family, so it is to be with the body of believers in the church. Just like in a normal family, we can expect other Christians to irritate us and disappoint us. Hence, we need to be prepared to practice the patience and forbearance that devoted family members share.

Also in Romans 12:10, we find the closely-linked second “one another” that specifies actions that demonstrate what is called for if we are going to “love one another.” This second one another is also a familial term. In the NASB translation, it reads, “Give preference to one another in honor.” In the NIV translation, it reads, "Honor one another above yourselves."

This word for “honor” is sometimes translated as “price.” It’s best meaning is to demonstrate that something has precious value to you. The Apostle Peter uses the term “honor” in a familial way when he instructs husbands how to demonstrate to their wives that they consider their wives to possess an inherent precious value to them. 

In one of Gary Smalley’s series on marriage, he does an excellent job illustrating this idea of honor and then asks husbands and wives if they honor or value their spouse in this way. For instance: to the husbands, he asks if they remember their first car. For most men, cars are important, especially their first car, one they worked hard and saved all of their money to get. They demonstrated that they honored or valued that car by washing it two or three times a week and by making sure that when they went to the mall, they parked their car as far away from other cars as possible so that shopping carts and other inconsiderate drivers didn’t ding his car with their doors. In essence, they watched out for, protected, and took excellent car of their car.

For women, Dr. Smalley used a precious trinket that a woman bought for her home that she thinks is really pretty. She proves that her trinket has value by putting it in a show place in her home because she is proud of it. But she also makes sure that it is in a secure place so that a child or animal passing by can’t knock it over accidentally.

Smalley’s point is, do your family members feel treasured, valued, honored; or, do they feel mistreated, abandoned, abused and easily replaceable if chosen to?

“Honoring one another” is based on the belief that, before God, other members of the church family possess priceless value to God, for Jesus died for that other person just as much as He did for you. Furthermore, Christ has fully approved of that person, even though he/she still makes mistakes. Therefore, even though others make mistakes, because God has approved of them I am to long suffer and honor them as well. My wife helped me learn that I communicated much more dishonor and rejection toward my children through my looks and body language than I did with my words. It is still taking me time to realize and choose to stop those actions, those looks, that tone of voice that devalue others.

If we really believe this truth, that we are family members in Christ, then we will take seriously the practice of treating each other as valued people. As a woman may want to show off her favorite collectable, or a proud parent may brag about a child’s latest accomplishment, so too, as a fellow believer who desires to honor another, we will make sure that he/she looks good before others so that they might have an effective ministry to others. Likewise, just as a loving parent won’t expose a teenager’s failings to the world, thus dishonoring the child, or, a loving child won’t dishonor his/her parents by telling the world about the parents’ recently blunders or failures, so will a loving church family member protect another’s reputation. That’s just how a healthy family values or shows honor to those within the family.

Allow me to get a little more practical and specific. There are several actions which stifle our "honoring of one another." The first of which is criticism. John Wesley, the great Methodist preacher and one of the founders of Methodism, was deeply disturbed by people who seemed to enjoy criticizing others, especially those who were trying their hardest to serve the Lord faithfully.

Once while he was preaching, he noticed a lady in the audience who was known for her critical attitude. All through the service she glowered at his new tie. When the meeting ended, she came up to him and said rather sharply, "Mr. Wesley, the strings on your bow tie are much too long. It's an offense to me!" Wesley turned to some other ladies that were standing around him and asked if any of them just happened to have a pair of scissors handy in her purse. And it just so happened that one of them did. He took the scissors and handed them to his critic and asked her to please trim the streamers to her liking. After she clipped them near the collar, he asked, "Are you sure they're all right now?" "Oh, yes, that's much better." "Then let me have those shears a moment," said Wesley. "I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I also gave you a bit of correction. I don't want to be cruel, but I must tell you, madam, that your tongue is an offense to me--it's too long! Please stick it out, I'd like to take some off." Wesley, obviously didn't go through with his threat, but he sure made his point.

Few critics have any idea what effect their criticisms have on the spirit of Oswald Chambers fully understood the harmful damage the roll of heavy- handed critics had upon his life. He wrote the following in his Studies In The Sermon On The Mount: "A man who is continually criticized becomes good for nothing, the effect of criticism knocks all the gumption and power out of him."  To dishonor a fellow believer through unnecessary criticism or revealing the other’s weaknesses is the height of hating, not loving someone. Equally hateful, equally unloving, equally dishonoring, is to speak to others about problems you have with another member of your church family without ever speaking to the one with whom you are struggling. To act in such a manner is an example of extreme arrogance, empty conceit, and pharisaical self-righteousness, not love. Compare those actions with what Paul says in Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.”

Another attitude, besides criticism, that is not honoring of another, and can cripple not only our own ministry but also another person's ministry is that of resentment or jealousy. Whether it be that we are jealous of someone else's ability to sing, or teach or be outgoing or having good looks or wealth or position, jealousy, which often leads to resentment, does not build up the body of Christ in love, but tears it down.

Henry Varley was one of England's greatest preachers in the latter nineteenth century. A neighboring pastor had begun to draw some members of Varley's congregation to his services because of his gift as an expositor of the Scriptures. Henry Varley discovered that deep within his own heart, he had been nurturing a serious resentment toward the success of this other man. Varley, himself, later said, “I shall never forget the sense of guilt and sin that possessed me over that business. I was miserable. Was I practically saying to the Lord Jesus, ‘Unless the prosperity of thy church and people comes in this neighborhood by me, success had better not come’? Was I really showing inability to rejoice in another worker's service? I felt that it was sin of a very hateful character. I never asked the Lord to take away my life either before or since, but I did then, unless his grace gave me victory over this foul image of jealousy."

 A third action that stifles one’s ability to honor another is one’s own personal need and seeking after self-exaltation. It’s that impetus that pushes some to want to be up front in the limelight, to be center stage. Self-exaltation is just the opposite of honoring one another. Personally, I don’t believe one can dishonor without first desiring self-exaltation; they go hand in hand. Jesus dealt with this problem all the time with the religious leaders of his own day. In Matthew 23:5-7, Jesus was referring to the scribes and pharisees, the religious leaders of His own day when He said, "But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries, and lengthen the tassels of their garments and they love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called by men, Rabbi."

The Scriptures have several examples of ordinary people honoring others, being devoted to them over and above themselves. Let me point out three instances for you.

One of the greatest love stories in the Old Testament that models what it means to honor and to be devoted to one another is not a love story involving a man and a woman, but a love relationship between two friends, Jonathan and David. Jonathan was the son of the then King of Israel, Saul, and the rightful heir to his father’s throne. But when his father lost the right to rule, rather than killing the one who was to take Jonathan’s place as the new king, Jonathan risked his own life to save his friend and heir-apparent, David. Jonathan could have been very easily jealous and resentful and critical of David's character weaknesses, for David did have serious character flaws. But instead, Jonathan honored David and did all in his power to protect and make successful the king to be.

In the New Testament, we have the example between two friends. Barnabas, the mentor, honoring his own disciple, the Apostle Paul. If you read closely the account of the Apostle Paul's life in the book of Acts 11-13, you will notice a very interesting observation. When Barnabas took Paul with him on what started out as Barnabas' missionary journey, it is obvious that Barnabas was the leader. Every time these men were mentioned in the beginning of this journey, they were always mentioned in this order: Barnabas and Paul, Barnabas and Paul. Barnabas, before going on this journey with the Apostle Paul, had been discipling Paul for well over a year. But when we come to Acts 13:13, the order abruptly changes. From that point on, it reads, "Paul and Barnabas" or "Paul and his companions." 

With that change of leadership, there is no record of any bitterness or jealousy between these two men. Instead, you have Barnabas, whose name literally means “encourager,” honoring Paul.

Whenever we seek honor for ourselves, rather than Jesus or others, unity and oneness gets destroyed in the family. And along with it, the church family’s ability to reach out to others in need.

In Philippians 1:15-18, we have a third example of one who chose to long suffer and to honor those arrogant evangelists who wished to embarrass Paul out of envy for his ministry. Rather than allowing his personal preferences and desire to be rightfully treated with honor, Paul chose to honor these foolish immature believers by saying, “What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice, yes and I will rejoice.” Different than the two Christian women in the church at Philippi who were in conflict and chose to arrogantly demand their preferences, Paul led by example, to humble himself and value others, even when there was much lacking in the other persons’ lives. 

Now to help drive this home to where we all live, let's look on the back of our outlines for this morning. The following are questions for you to consider before the Lord as it concerns your desire to become better at living as a devoted and honoring believer in this fellowship.

1. As you look back over the past week, in how many situations can you recall that you purposely chose to honor someone above yourself rather than dishonor him by your words or actions? In what ways did you reflect sincere appreciation for the other person?

2. Do you find it difficult to compliment others and to enjoy their successes and blessings? If so, could it be that you cannot compliment others and enjoy their success because you have always been or wanted to be the center of attention? If so, memorize Phil. 2:3-4. Ask the Lord to help these verses be lived out in your life.

“Honoring one another” is based on the belief that, before God, other members of the church family possess priceless value to God, for Jesus died for those other persons just as much as He did for you. Furthermore, Christ has fully approved of those persons, even though they still make mistakes. Therefore, because they stand approved before God, even with more mistakes to come, I, too am to long suffer and honor them as well. Is that how people see your approval of others in your local church? Do they see or hear you honoring one another, or dishonoring one another?

This point leads to the third and last application question:

3. Do you fully approve of persons, even though you don’t like some of their actions? If someone other than yourself were to ask your wife, husband, kids or other members of this fellowship whether or not your actions make them feel approved and accepted, even though they know they blow it, how would they respond?

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