MARRIAGE, GOD’S DIVINE DESIGN-III

Genesis 2:24-25
Bob Bonner
February 29, 2004

About 12 years ago, most of the pastors in the valley signed a covenant that they would not marry any couple without at least four pre-marital counseling appointments. Furthermore, we have provided a four-week pre-marital counseling course, plus an Engagement Encounter weekend as well as personal marriage mentors for those couples who seek to have them. Since we began this program, the number of marriages performed a year are now out numbering the divorces. Previous to the program, there were close to two divorces for every wedding.

What this tells me is that when a couple takes marriage seriously and sees it as a sacred commitment, and seeks to understand and follow God’s instructions for a healthy marriage, they are discovering what others have failed to see in the past 40 years. They are discovering that God, who is the Author of marriage, knows what’s best for a couple to find fulfillment in their marriage. Marriage, they are discovering, can be the meaningful relationship that God intended it to be, even in a fallen world.

This morning, we want to look at three pillars that support a healthy biblical marriage. All three of these pillars are presented to us in Genesis 2:24. Let’s begin by reading our short passage of Scripture for the morning. Verse 24, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed.”

Genesis 2:24 is the most often quoted verse in the Bible concerning the subject of marriage, as it well should be, because here God establishes the necessary foundation upon which all marriages are to be built. Jesus quotes this verse twice and so does the apostle Paul. Therefore this verse should be considered God's divine directive for marriage. It falls nicely into three parts. For a marriage to even have a chance at being successful, each of these three guidelines must be followed to the letter. And what's more, each of these guidelines presupposes the application of the other. In other words, you cannot meet the third requirement for a healthy marriage if the first two have not been met. So, let's look at each one carefully.

We read, "For this cause, [meaning the cause of marriage] a man shall leave his father and mother." The three instructions about marriage found in these verses apply to both bride and groom, not just the groom. Why is this so, when the text clearly mentions only the man? Although this reads, “a man shall leave” we must take into consideration the cultural context in which this was written. Obviously, Moses, the author of Genesis, is writing about a situation that is post Fall. When Adam and Eve were created, there were no mothers and fathers. They were the first two human beings created. From the beginning of time to when Moses wrote these words, the woman, without exception, always left her family to go live with her husband and his family. So there was no need to state the obvious in that culture. She was expected to leave her parents. Therefore, these points apply to her as well.

The failure to leave one’s family and move in with her in-laws did present serious tensions and problems for the young couple, and thus the need for the instructions that follow. What kind of problems? Problems such as the young husband never learning to take full responsibility for his home and relying on mommy and daddy to provide the young couple with a home; mommy and Daddy footing all the bills. But history has proven that whoever controls the purse, usually controls the family. As a result, this would naturally lead to quite a bit of in-law interference into this new couples’ marriage. So Moses is clearly instructing the men that this is not good. They need to make their own home where the couple becomes their own family unit. Both husband and wife need to leave their mothers and fathers and set up their own nests.

This "leaving" is the first most important aspect to having a successful marriage. There can be no real marriage without a leaving. But what is meant by "leaving"? It means that one relationship must be broken for another relationship to begin. It means that this couple is to separate from their parents at three levels: The first separation needs to be geographically.

As I just mentioned, a young couple geographically must leave their parents’ home because they need to establish a new domain of their own upon which this young couple can develop their own family unit. They cannot do it underneath their parent's roof.

Karen Winslow, the wife of a pastor in California, Paul Winslow, was speaking to a group of marriageable singles when she shared what her father told her when her husband proposed. He said, "I am glad you are marrying Paul, but I am going to tell you one thing. We will encourage and support you, but if you ever have a fight with Paul, don't come home. You are not going to use this home against him. You are to stay there and work it out with him. Your one flesh relationship with him takes precedence over our relationship. "Parents need to learn to let go, and children need to learn to leave.¹ I can think of just a couple of exceptions where I would disagree with Karen’s advice, but for the most part I agree her. The exceptions might be when the wife is suffering from physical abuse and needs a safe place to stay in an emergency, or when a husband abandons her. But even in these cases, it is not necessarily the best solution for the daughter’s problems.

Not only must a young couple leave geographically, but they also must leave economically. This forces them to cut another apron string from their parents, and develop their own independence. From the outset, if a couple cannot support themselves on their own, then they have no business getting married. And let me risk being stoned by adding that when a couple gets married, it is very wise for them to be able to live on just one person's salary. And by that I mean that with one salary that couple should be able to meet all their basic needs for food, clothing, shelter and transportation. If they want to use the second salary for other items, fine. In many cases, I will not marry a couple who cannot live initially on just one income. Why? Because as most counselors have learned, the number one cause for divorce is financial stress. Often times financial stress comes not just from poor management of finances, but from the inability to meet one's basic needs on just one salary.

I can't count the number of married couples I have counseled who both worked and brought in just enough income to get by and then, unexpectedly a child comes on the scene. She has to quit work temporarily, which sets them back financially, and then she returns to work, putting the child in a day care center, which eats up much of the second salary, so they still are behind financially. Quickly debts increase, and along with the debts, stress, bitterness, frustration, fighting and in too many cases, divorce.

The first three or four couples I counseled, before I married them, each wisely waited until one salary could meet their needs. Each of those couples was planning to have children, but not right away. They all were taking precautions. Within six months, each of those couples was surprised to find themselves expecting a child. Had they not been financially prepared, I would hate to think what shape their marriage would be in today.

Couples must leave parents financially and be able to live on one salary before they get married. To return to parents for financial help is not healthy.

Sometimes, returning to live with parents can't be helped. Sometimes parents are forced financially and geographically for a time to move in with the kids. On other occasions, kids are forced temporarily to live with their parents. As a short- term temporary arrangement that is okay. However, over a lengthy period of time, it is not healthy in the long run for the marriage or the relationship with the parents

Along with a geographical and economic leaving of parents, there must also be a psychological leaving of parents. By that I mean that both parents and children need to recognize that at this point their relationship is going to change. They honor their parents and help them in need, but for the first time they are officially no longer under their parents’ authority, nor are they responsible to obey all of their parents’ wishes, traditions or even values. And furthermore, parents shouldn't expect them to.

Moms and dads, we must recognize that from the day they were born, our relationship with our kids was meant to be a temporary one, in comparison to the permanent relationship of marriage. The marriage relationship takes priority over the parental relationship. The wisest thing we can do as parents is to prepare our children for when they are to leave, and then, let them. Let them leave and develop their own traditions and drop the previously held family traditions they choose to drop.

Allow me to interject my own personal opinion here, that cannot be found in or supported by Scripture, but nonetheless I believe may be a wise piece of advice for some in this day and age. Becky and I have encouraged our kids that when they get married, for at least the first five years of their married life, we hoped they would live at least a half a day’s drive away from us. It is not good, in this culture, during those first few years for a mom and dad to be constantly looking over the fence or expecting the kids to show up every weekend. Nor is it good for kids to depend on Mom and Dad to be there to help build their home or constantly have them over to dinner or do other jobs the kids need to do themselves. They need their space to find their own lives. They need the challenge and strength- building that can only come through trying to do things completely on their own. When we don’t give them that opportunity we cripple them economically and emotionally. It’s hard for our young marrieds to grow up dependent upon the Lord when they live in such close proximity to their parents that they can always look to Mom and Dad for advice or help. It’s better for them to begin to look for advice and help from others in the body of Christ who have the healthy marriages and wisdom to give them impartial advice.

Now when the grandkids come along, that’s a different story!!!!

Overall, this instruction to “leave” is God’s way of telling us that marriage is meant to be an exclusive relationship. It is up to the couple to make it on their own. No longer are they to depend upon others to meet their basic physical or emotional needs. They are not to depend upon Mom, Dad or Grandma or Grandad. When they are in need they are to look to God and each other to meet those needs. In Him they will find wisdom, strength, guidance and help throughout their marriage. Parents, don’t short-circuit God’s manner of working in your married children’s lives by doing things for them that God expects them to do or to seek Him to do on their behalf.

The second principle that will govern how successful a marriage is, is the cleaving aspect, mentioned in verse 24. After leaving one's parents, the couple are to cleave to one another. This word "cleave" in Hebrew means to stick together like these two pieces of paper that have been glued together. This word “cleave” communicates several ideas.

First, in order for the couple to allow a healthy marriage to develop they must, from the outset, see their marriage as something which is permanent. They must be committed to the fact that no matter how dark the situation may be, divorce is never an option. It is a word that is not even to be spoken.

A teenage girl was examining her grandmother's wedding ring. The girl said, "Wow, what heavy and cumbersome rings those were fifty years ago. The grandmother replied, "That's true, but don't forget that in my day they were made to last a lifetime." A marriage made to last a lifetime is almost an unacceptable thought to many young people today.

My wife and I had a young relative of ours come to stay for a lengthy visit when she was in junior high. She was adopted and then subsequently, her parents divorced and her mother remarried. One evening we were having a discussion about marriage and I asked her, “Do you think you will ever get married?” And she said, “Oh, yes. A couple of times.” Surprised, I asked her why a couple of times. Her response was just as shocking to me. She said, “I don’t believe too many people can stay married to the same person for a life time.” In other words, to her, the whole concept of the permanency of a marriage was a pipe dream. “Til death do us part” was a fairy tale.

We have a serious epidemic in this country today that has begun in the home and carried into various other arenas of our society. This epidemic is the disease of "bail-out." People lack commitment to finish or work hard at what they started. At the first or second sign of trouble they are ready to quit because life isn’t easy. This is true of volunteer work, a job, a ministry, a marriage, the raising of children and a work-out program.

Twenty years ago, we saw the evidence that the men were the ones responsible for abandoning their families for other women, new adventures or other irresponsible behaviors. However, Chuck Swindoll came across a Los Angeles radio talk show where an author, Anna Sklar, had uncovered an incredible statistic from her book, “Runaway Wives”, Swindoll writes:

“Ten years ago for every wife or mother who walked away from her home and responsibilities...600 husbands and fathers did so. Today for each man who now does that, two women do.” Then he says, “Pause and let that sink in. Understand, I'm not advocating either, nor taking sides that one is better than another. I am simply amazed at the unbelievably rapid rise in modernday women who choose escape as a favorite method of ‘coping.’ Contrary to our great American heritage, many of today's citizens would rather switch than fight...or, quite honestly, quit than stick. That which was once not even an option is now standard operating procedure the preferred plan to follow. ²

In our day of the quickie divorce, the only couple who stands a good chance of having a successful marriage are the ones who see it as a relationship that is for keeps. On the other hand if a couple entertains the thought that divorce is a potential escape hatch should things not work out as planned, their marriage is doomed before it began.

Not only does this term "cleave" denote permanence, but it also draws our attention to the idea of interdependence upon one another. The couple are to work together. The man and wife are complements to one another, uniquely designed by God to fulfill a unique purpose in His divine plan. They are a unit unto them.

Should this permanent, interdependent bond ever be broken, the two individuals, like these two pieces of paper will never be the same. Instead, they will experience both physical as well as emotional or psychological tearing or damage in their lives. They will continue to live, and maybe even rightfully be remarried or re-glued to another piece of paper...but they will never be the same. There will always be scars that all who have experienced it will tell you that they wished were never there and one never gets rid of them.

Sadly, this tearing doesn’t just affect the couple. Should they have children, it will permanently scar their kids. Psychologists deal daily with children of divorced parents who in their late thirties and forties are still struggling with the damage in their lives caused by their parents’ divorce. The sins of their parents have come home to roost in their children and grandchildren’s lives.

In addition, if this couple has been part of a tight-knit community, like a church or a home fellowship group, that divorce brings hurt and pain and an unsettling to that community of friendships.

Whereas the word “leave” pointed to the exclusivity of the marriage relationship, “cleave” points to the permanency of that relationship. The third pillar of a healthy marriage is stated as “becoming one flesh” which refers to more than just the intimate physical joining of two people together. This physical joining of two individuals is a beautiful visual aid for the truth that these two people are no longer two independent individuals, but they are a pair of interdependent people. It is a picture of the blending of two persons into one complete new unit. It is the becoming of “soul mates.” Through years of marriage, a couple become one in their dreams, hopes, goals and aspirations.

People often think that getting a marriage license or having a wedding somehow makes a marriage. It doesn't. It only gives one the right to begin building one. Becoming one flesh, building a marriage in which two individuals experience true and total completeness is a lifetime process.

Whereas “leave” points to an exclusive relationship, and “cleave” points to a permanent relationship, “becoming one flesh” points to the building of true intimacy of the relationship, the becoming of true soul mates.

God’s epilogue on His design for marriage is written in Genesis 2:25. It describes God’s intent for every married couple in these beautiful terms: "And the two of them were naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed." This term “nakedness” depicts total openness - vulnerability and transparency without shame. Literally, they had nothing to hide. They have no secrets, nothing that they don’t share with one another. They were at ease with one another, without fear of exploitation for evil.

This does not mean that they always had to agree with each other. Neither does it mean that they must feel the same about certain things. It means the readiness to share with one another without fear of rejection. It means the freedom to express one’s point of view without demanding that the other reflect the same attitude.

They were not ashamed in that they were relaxed and well-adjusted. They had no need to put on airs or try to prove to the other that they are something they are not. There is full acceptance of one another.

Unfortunately, this integrity was shattered by the Fall and regained only gradually and imperfectly in marriage as the two continued to submit their lives to God and once again began to feel the resultant ease with each other.

What recreates the atmosphere today of being “naked and not ashamed”? What enables a man and a woman to become vulnerable, open, relaxed, well-adjusted and accepting of the other? Part of the answer to that question is given to us here in Genesis 2. There must be an open public and permanent commitment to one another. One that says, “Divorce is not an option for this relationship.” One that says that this relationship holds priority over every other human relationship. There is a public commitment that says, “Till death do us part, I will work on becoming one flesh with my partner.”

This is why “living together” only promises false benefits. When a couple simply choose to live together without any form of public or permanent commitment to one another, there is not a true complete sense of safety, vulnerability, openness and acceptance between the individuals. There is always this fear deep down that “If I really express what I think or feel, he or she will reject me or leave me. So, rather than risk losing the person, I will just keep quiet.”

That’s why the figure I heard recently about the number of those who had experimented with living together before they got married but ended up getting divorced didn’t shock me. I was told that a recent study revealed that 85% of the couples who experimented with living together before they got married, ended up getting divorced within the first five years of marriage.

When couples live together and experiment with oneness, where there is no true verbalized assurance of commitment and then get married, usually one of them gets married because they feel forced or pressured to do so. Hence, when the first sign of trouble comes, the one being pressured into marriage most often bails out. For a marriage to be successful, both parties must be committed to it being a permanent state. But when only one party is fully committed, that marriage will never be all that God intended. In that case, there is no committed protective walls of trust surrounding that relationship. Only when there is a permanent commitment made by both individuals can a couple truly experience being “naked and unashamed.”

In summary then, if we want God's best in marriage, it requires that we understand that marriage has been designed by God, is sacred and therefore not to be entered into impulsively, but in the fear of God.

Secondly, if we are going to have a successful marriage, it must be a three-party team with God being the coach of that team. And the only way that God will become the coach of one's marriage is when both individuals commit their lives to Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord.

Thirdly, as Christians, we must follow God's game plan for having a successful marriage which involves leaving, cleaving and becoming one flesh. And that is no easy task. In fact, only those Christians who are living the Spirit filled life, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and empower their lives will be enabled to accomplish this feat, and enjoy marriage this side of the Fall, as God desires us to experience it.

¹ Brian Morgan's message on Eph. 5 at Peninsula Bible Church, catalogue # 573.

² Chuck Swindoll, Come Before Winter, p.181

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