RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICTS

Genesis 33:1-17
Bob Bonner
February 18, 2007

Today, in Southern California, a sixty-five-year friendship that my father has enjoyed is about to come to an end. His childhood pal is dying of cancer. But there is an additional and grievous sadness to this story other than just the closing chapter of a lifelong friendship.

The son of my father’s friend has also been a longtime friend of mine. When we were in college, I had the privilege of introducing my friend to Jesus Christ. When his college career was over, he was married and entered into the ministry. Shortly thereafter, his life began to fall apart. He came home for lunch unexpectedly one day to find his wife intimately involved with another man. That began a downward spiral of events in his life that to this day has left my friend a bitter man. Sadly, his bitterness has affected not only his relationship with Jesus, but his relationship with his dying father. At this very moment, with his father lying on his death bed, his son is suing his father. This has brought tremendous additional and unnecessary grieving to all who are close to this family, especially for my Dad. Dad’s heart is broken over this. He is a relatively new believer and, for him, this family conflict has raised many questions about how people who say they are committed to Christ, can treat one another in such terms. 

There is nothing worse than a fight between family members; and Christian families, those who claim to know and follow Jesus Christ are not exempted from such needless suffering. Christians can fight and bring about division and hurt to others just as easily as those who reject Jesus Christ. It should not be this way, but it is. 

The evidence of family members who grew up in a home that claimed to be followers of Yahweh, but lived amidst strife is clearly recorded for us in the book of Genesis. For nine chapters in Genesis, the backdrop has been the conflict, distrust and hatred of twin brothers, Esau and Jacob. A conflict that their mother and father encouraged by their foolish parenting practices. If it were not for a supernatural move of God upon these two men’s lives, one of them would have probably ended up killing his brother. This morning, as we look at Genesis 33, we will see what made forgiveness and reconciliation happen between these two rivals. We will see what God did, but we will also see what steps needed to take place on the human side of this conflict before God would act.

Since it has been a few weeks since we were together, and for those of you who may be visiting with us for the first time, allow me to set the most recent Biblical context of our passage. Jacob, twenty years previous to this passage, had fled from his home because his brother, Esau, had threatened to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright and father’s blessing. By God’s direction, Jacob has come home. The past twenty years has not removed the results of his sin against his brother. Fearfully, he realizes that he must meet up with his brother and seek his forgiveness, if he is ever going to live at peace in his homeland.

Chapters 32-33 of Genesis reveal God’s solution to Jacob and Esau’s conflict. In these chapters we see how God brings about reconciliation between the two brothers. These chapters are made up of a four-act drama. We have already covered the first three acts. In Act One, verses 1-2, we have the vision of the angels that make up the “camp of God.” This act signaled Jacob that God had not abandoned him, even in his sin. 

Act Two, verses 3-21, we have the sending of a gift to Esau, a move that was to send the message to his brother that he wanted peace with his brother, not conflict. But Esau’s response to Jacob’s gift sent mixed messages to Jacob. Jacob sensed that Esau still wanted to kill him. Hoping for the best outcome, Jacob set forth to plan for the worst.

In Act Three, verses 22-32, God wrestles with Jacob at Jabbok. It was here that Jacob finally learned that if there was ever going to be any success in Jacob’s life, it would only occur as Jacob learned that in himself, and apart from God, he was completely inadequate to be a successful and satisfied man. Only after losing this wrestling match and being left crippled by God and unable to physically stand up to and fight his brother,...only when he could do nothing but trust in the Lord did Jacob find that God was more than adequate to bring success out of such a terrible conflict.

This morning, in Act Four, chapter 33, we finally see the peaceful reconciliation with Esau.    

Let’s begin our study with 33:1-7. In these verses, we will view the initial meeting of Jacob and Esau, and their unexpected embrace. “Then Jacob lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, Esau was coming, and four hundred men with him. So he divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two maids. He put the maids and their children in front, and Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. But he himself passed on ahead of them and bowed down to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.” 

Jacob, seeing some distance ahead, maybe a mile or two, noticed the evidence of Esau and his four hundred soldiers coming Jacob’s way. Jacob had already divided the family in two parts, hoping to spare some of them, should Esau attack. But now, Jacob further divides his family into four parts: Presumably, one with Bilhah and her children and one with Zilpah and her children, following them was Leah and her children and the last group was Rachel and her son, Joseph. If you noticed, Jacob, being the protector of the family, Jacob goes to front of the group, leading the family, while Rachel and Joseph, being nearest and dearest to Jacob’s heart, are put in the most protected position, the last in line.

The text says that Jacob bowed seven different times, before his brother Esau as he came closer and closer. Within Esau’s view, Jacob would bow, get up walk a few steps and bow down again until he had repeated the process seven times. According to Dr. Bruce Waltke, this expression “bow down” “...denotes touching nose and forehead to the ground in a prostrate position as a symbol of submission before a superior. Jacob, his face in the dust, is undoing his manipulative hold on the blessing he had taken from Esau through deception.”

Bowing seven times like this was a commonly understood practice of a vassal to his lord. However, from Esau’s point of view, it was a totally unexpected and an unthinkable, humble act of contrition on Jacob’s part. He couldn’t believe this was the same, arrogant, self righteous deceiving brother he knew 20 years before. So emotionally taken aback by this humble act of contrition, Esau can’t help but to respond passionately by running to greet and embrace his brother. “Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.”

I don’t know if there is a greater emotional scene in the Bible or one filled with more pathos than this one. Here we have two brothers, who have hated each other and have been separated from each other for 20 years, now becoming reconciled, hanging all over each other bawling like babies. This is the greeting one would only expect coming from relatives that truly loved one another, but momentarily had been split apart by a minor disagreement. But nothing like this was ever witnessed in their home growing up.

One literary note highlights the joy and emotional energy displayed at this point. Back in 25:34, Moses used five terse terms describing Esau’s despising his birthright and all that had to do with family. Now Moses uses five powerfully affectionate terms describing this reconciliation from Esau’s point of view. This is no small event. I can just hear all the host of heaven applauding at this moment of reconciliation. Not all broken families, not all broken relationships experience this type of reconciliation. This kind of reconciliation only comes when all parties are willing to humble themselves and choose to forgive and accept one another into fellowship again. They choose to leave the past in the past and move on with life. This kind of reconciliation only takes place when the sanctified brethren deliberately make a decision to forgive and not carry past hurts or grudges into the future. And when this happens, there is nothing sweeter in life. Truly, all of heaven rejoices when people repent and chose to forgive.

I don’t know how long they wept or embraced, but soon afterwards, Esau opened his eyes and looked over his brother’s shoulder at what was coming at him. We read, “He lifted his eyes and saw the women and the children, and said, ‘Who are these with you?’ So he said, ‘The children whom God has graciously given your servant.’ Then the maids came near with their children, and they bowed down. Leah likewise came near with her children, and they bowed down; and afterward Joseph came near with Rachel, and they bowed down.”

After this emotional greeting, in verse 8, Esau asks Jacob about the gift of 550 animals that Jacob had previously sent to Esau. And he said, “What do you mean by all this company which I have met?” And he said, “To find favor in the sight of my lord.” But Esau said, “I have plenty, my brother; let what you have be your own.”

When Esau says, “Let what you have be your own” he does not just mean that he doesn’t need or want Jacob’s gift of animals. What he is saying to Jacob is “Keep it all...the birthright and the blessing. I don’t want it nor do I need it. It belongs to you.” 

But Jacob is insistent, as insistent as he was in his wrestling with Jesus, that he would not let go of Him until he was blessed. Here, Jacob will not take back the gift without knowing for sure that he is forgiven and their past is set behind them for good. Hence, Jacob said, “No, please, if now I have found favor in your sight, then take my present from my hand, for I see your face as one sees the face of God, and you have received me favorably. Please take my gift which has been brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me and because I have plenty. Thus he urged him and he took it.”

By accepting the gift, and not returning one in kind to Jacob, Esau is signaling to Jacob that the gift is payment for the wrong done to him. That Esau has, in effect, truly forgiven and welcomes Jacob home. This acceptance is witnessed by Esau’s 400 men and Jacob’s entire family.

It would really be nice if the story ended there, with Jacob and Esau riding off into the sunset with each other’s arms draped over the other’s should. But that is not real life. For no sooner have these two brothers reconciled, then they end up separating from one another and going their own ways. Esau doesn’t want to separate, and even offers to escort Jacob and his family to his home. Then Esau said, “Let us take our journey and go, and I will go before you.”

However, Jacob doesn’t want to go off with his brother. We don’t know why, but there are many possible reasons. The most likely is that Jacob doesn’t think he and Esau can really ever be close. They don’t have much in common personally or socially or spiritually. And sometimes, that’s just a reality in life. We can be cordial and committed in love to the other’s best, but never really be close or enjoy the other’s company. Sometimes when you have been wounded by another, the fear of being hurt again prevents one from ever being close again. Such it was in Jacob’s case. Hence, Jacob responds, “My lord knows that the children are frail and that the flocks and herds which are nursing are a care to me. And if they are driven hard one day, all the flocks will die. “Please let my lord pass on before his servant, and I will proceed at my leisure, according to the pace of the cattle that are before me and according to the pace of the children, until I come to my lord at Seir.” Esau said, “Please let me leave with you some of the people who are with me.”

Esau really tries to get Jacob to come with him, but Jacob declines. “What need is there? Just let me find favor in the sight of my lord.” Esau probably knows that this is Jacob’s polite way of turning down his invitation. Intuitively, both Jacob and Esau understood that being reconciled with family does not mean that you have to live close together and become bosom friends. Sometimes two reconciled individuals can; but more often than not, like in this case, it does not. Their lack of common interests and the difference in their personalities were too dissimilar that it made it impossible for them to be really close. In a word, they were incompatible. “So Esau returned that day on his way to Seir. Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built for himself a house and made booths for his livestock; therefore the place is named Succoth.”

Note, in verse 14, that Jacob leaves Esau with the impression that he will follow after Esau to Seir, later, but he never does. He fails to follow through on his word. Why? Most likely, because he never intended to do so. Was this the old practice of a deceiving rearing its ugly head again in Jacob’s life? I believe so. Genuine repentance does not mean that one’s struggle with past weaknesses, with past sin and living independently from God is automatically or forever cured. It is no excuse to continue such sinful patterns; but everyone of us will live with what the Apostle Paul called, the thorn in the flesh. Every one of us will have something God is still working on in our lives until the day we die. Past habits and tendencies of the old Jacob, like in all of us, do not die easily. We will continue to see throughout the rest of Genesis that genuinely repentant Jacob struggles with his past weaknesses until he dies. 

Yet, even with Jacob’s failure to make good on his promise, Esau had become wise enough to understand that true closeness and comradery were never meant to be for him and Jacob. In the end, when they see each other for the last time at their father, Isaac’s grave side, they part in peace with no obvious, lingering grudges.

What would the Lord have us learn from this passage? What are the implications found in these verses that concern the practice of reconciliation? There are many.

The first is not so obvious that it shouldn’t be declared right up front. God requires reconciliation of broken relationships. The most obvious illustration of the importance of reconciliation to God, is that while we were rebellious toward God, and wanting our own way, refusing to recognize God, in fact, being His enemy, God so desired reconciliation with us, that He took it upon Himself to die for us, in the person of Jesus Christ, that our sin and rebellion could be forgiven, if we would put our confidence in Christ offering on our behalf. This being reconciled to God is so important to Him, that God, speaking to us through the Apostle Paul, tells us in 2 Cor. 5:20, “...we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.”

But this command of God’s to be reconciled to God through Jesus Christ goes beyond us being reconciled to God. God instructs us that if we have experienced the forgiveness of God and His unconditional love and acceptance, then He commands us to pass that same forgiveness and acceptance that we have experienced from God on to others who have hurt us. We read in Ephesians 4:32, “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” God commands us to do all that is in our power to be reconciled to those around us, with whom we find ourselves in conflict. Jesus, the very one Who has made it possible for us to stand before God forgive, accepted and loved says, in His Sermon on The Mount, “If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” Mt. 5:23-24

As a Christian, if I want to walk in fellowship with God, if I want to enjoy the power of being filled or controlled by His Spirit, then I have no choice but to do what I can to be reconciled to those who have wronged me and to be reconciled to those I have wronged. Reconciliation is not a suggestion of God, it is a command that finds its origin at the very heart of Who God is.

But what is required for two parties to be reconciled? Our passage outlines at least two of those requirements. First, reconciliation requires humilitybefore God and one another.

It’s one thing to say that reconciliation requires humility, but what are some evidences of humility? We can see at least two indicators of Jacob’s humility before God and Esau.

Esau could easily have expected the Jacob of old to come to his brother with a self righteous attitude of the handpicked-by-God heir to oversee the family. If Jacob had, it could have caused an escalation of the hostilities between the brothers. Jacob could have rightfully demanded the rights that belonged to the one upon whom the birthright and the blessing had been given, regardless of how that came about. But he didn’t. In chapter 32 Jacob humbled himself as a servant to his lord, not only by the gifts he had presented to Esau but also by calling himself Esau’s servant and declaring Esau to be his master or lord. In this chapter, Jacob evidenced his humility by prostrating himself in the dirt, by bowing seven times before Esau.

Likewise, if we want there to be true reconciliation we need to be willing to swallow our pride, give up our rights and expectations of others to live up to our standards, and humble ourselves before the other person and God. And when wronged, forgive the other person and move on. Or when one has wronged another, seek the other’s forgiveness.

A second indicator of Jacob’s humility is the humbleness he displays toward God and all that God has done for him. When Jacob finally meets up with Esau, he credits God with everything that has gone right in his life. In v. 5, Jacob credits God for his numerous children. In verse 10, he credits God as the one who spared his life not only in his conflict with Esau, but also in his conflict with his father-in-law, Laban. It wasn’t Jacob’s gifts that had transformed Esau’s heart toward Jacob, causing Esau to welcome Jacob. This is what is behind Jacob’s statement, in verse 10, “...for I see your face as one sees the face of God, and you have received me favorably.” Jacob acknowledges that it was the supernatural move of God that has changed Esau’s heart and thus caused him to spare Jacob’s life. And in verse 11, Jacob credits God for his property. In stark contrast to Jacob, in verse 9, is Esau.  Esau doesn’t credit God for anything he has. Esau never even mentions the name of God. This doesn’t mean that Esau didn’t believe in God, but that he simply had made no room for God in his life. There are many today who call themselves Christians because they believe that Jesus Christ died for their sins; but they evidence that they have never been saved because they have made no serious room for God in their lives. By that I simply mean, that they may attend a church, but have Jesus Christ be the master over their business practices, the way they raise their children, respond to their spouse or use their spiritual gifts...no way! That’s Esau.

Now look at the result of Jacob’s humility before God and Esau. Esau runs to meet Jacob; he embraces Jacob; with an incredible display of emotion, he falls on Jacob, embracing him and kissing him, weeping all the time. Because of Jacob’s humility, Esau’s hatred was transformed into committed love. Not a close, intimate love of bosom friends, but a committed love revealed by his generosity and a desire to protect his brother by including him in his travels back to Seir.

This passage forces us to realize another implication as it concerns reconciliation. It requires that we recognize that true and lasting reconciliation requires facing reality. What do I mean by that? I mean two things:

First, you may be living in conflict with another person. You may be a spirit controlled Christian who seriously desires to reconcile with another. In your heart, you may have forgiven them a hundred times for a wrong they have done to you; or you have gone to them several times and asked them to forgive you for a present or past wound you have caused. But, as genuinely sincere, and controlled by the Holy Spirit, there is no guarantee that reconciliation will result. Why? Because true reconciliation requires the involvement of three persons. As we have seen, without God, there would have been no transforming of Esau’s heart. Second, without Jacob being willing to ask Esau for forgiveness and without Esau being willing to forgive, reconciliation would never have taken place. We never have to be concerned about God’s willingness to be a partner in reconciliation; however, if both of the remaining parties refuse to humble themselves before God and each other, then no reconciliation will take place.

What does that mean, practically speaking? It means that as a Christian, who humbly seeks and desires true reconciliation, if the other party does not, you will have no other choice than to learn to go on living with that broken relationship. For until all three agree, there is no fellowship.

There is one other final reality that our passage forces us to accept. True reconciliation does not always result in individuals becoming bosom buddies, either immediately or ever. I believe the Word of God shows us several examples of fellow Christians being committed in love to one another. By that, there are examples and commands that require that if we love one another, we will do right or what is best toward another. But that does not mean that we must necessarily like someone in the sense that we enjoy and seek after their company. When I study the lives of the disciples, they learned to love each other as Christ had commanded them to do, but Jesus never commanded them to like or become bosom buddies. Let’s face it. There are just certain personalities that rub each other the wrong way. There are similarities of interest that naturally draw certain people together as dissimilarities typically repel others. That’s just life. You cannot be close friends with everyone.

Because of this reality, the Apostle Paul begins the second half of his letter to Ephesians, the part that intends to apply the truth practically that was just taught in the first three chapters, with these words of exhortation to all of us: “I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you [literally beg you] to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Eph. 4:1-3)

The New Living Translation puts it this way: “Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, bind yourselves together in peace.” 

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