A FEW KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL PARENTING

Genesis 37:1-11
Bob Bonner
July 8, 2007

During the TV years of the 50's and 60's, one of the popular evening programs was Leave It To Beaver.  It was a portrayal of a healthy traditional home made up of parents who never divorced. Dad was the head of the household, the mother was a stay-at-home mom, and both parents were focused upon raising up two boys to becoming responsible young men. 

During the mid 60's, the divorce rate in America skyrocketed. By the end of the 60's and into the early 70's, another TV family appeared on the scene, to reflect the change in the family culture. They were called The Brady Bunch. This, too, was meant to be the portrayal of a healthy, blended family. Here, two formerly married spouses joined together through marriage to raise both sets of children. 

It’s an interesting observation in TV’s portrayal of the American family, that as the family unit has become more dysfunctional over the years, so have most of the modern sitcoms reflecting the American family.

But the dysfunctional family is not a recent phenomenon to our culture. This morning, we are going to look at a passage of Scripture that reveals another hugely dysfunctional family. This family was not fictional. They existed almost four thousand years ago. It was the family led by the patriarch, Jacob. Dr. David Seamands, in his book, Living With Your Dreams, spells out for us just some of the factors that made Jacob and his family so fractured. He writes, “One father, multiple mothers, siblings and half-siblings. Add to this a very large number of grandparents and half-grandparents and you have quite an extended (though not very blended) family. As we read the graphic details from Genesis 29-31; 34-35, we are struck by the selfishness, conflict, favoritism, jealousy, hatred, revenge, lust, rape, incest, deceit and even mass murder. It’s not exactly the Brady Bunch!” [pp. 17-18]

This morning, and in the weeks to come, as we examine these final chapters of Genesis, we will see a several things that led to this family being so unhealthy, and what it took for God to rescue them from themselves. Hopefully, we can learn from their mistakes. We will see what is necessary for those of us who have come from unhealthy homes, to be transformed and made whole by our sovereign and loving God. This morning, in particular, we want to focus on the important role of parenting; or, what the lack of proper parenting will produce in children’s lives.

Many who have studied Genesis 37-50, the largest section in Genesis, see as its purpose to focus upon the life of Joseph, because he is mentioned most in these chapters. From a memory standpoint, it is certainly easier to remember the story line of Genesis, beginning with Genesis 12, as following four chronological blocks of Scripture that deal with four different men: Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph. So, it is understandable why people have concluded that the purpose of these chapters is to focus on the character of Joseph.

However, upon closer examination of Genesis, the text reveals that although most of these chapters deal with Joseph’s life, the real purpose of these last thirteen chapters is to compare and contrast the lives of two brothers: Judah and Joseph. Further, the purpose of these chapters is to show how and why it is that the line of Judah, rather than the line of Judah, became God’s sovereign choice through whom the Messiah would eventually come.  Judah, Jacob’s fourth son, because he was such an ungodly scoundrel for most of his adult life appears to be the most unlikely of the sons through whom the Messiah should come. In contrast, Joseph, due to his upright character alone, would have given us cause to choose his family line as the one given the honor of bearing the Messiah. Yet, in the end, we see in God’s choice of Judah just more evidence of God’s grace that can give us all hope, that our lives are not beyond making a difference once we turn to the Lord. Judah, at 49 years of age was transformed and then used by God, after years of living a wicked life.

It might be helpful to remind you why God chose Judah to be the one through whom the promised Messiah would come rather than through his three older brothers, Reuben, Simeon and Levi. Any one of those first three brothers should have been the rightful heir to the promise of the Messiah coming through their family line. But Reuben, the actual firstborn son and the obvious son to inherit this right, had foolishly attempted to usurp his father Jacob’s leadership by sleeping with his father’s concubine. As a result of this infraction, he rightly falls from his father, Jacob’s favor (35:22; 49:3-4). Simeon and Levi, the next two sons in line, disqualify themselves by their rash over-reaction to their sister, Dinah, being taken by force. If you remember they took vengeance into their own hands and slaughtered all of the men of Shechem for having deflowered their sister. Hence, the next son in line is Judah, who clearly repented from his past sins and began to seek the Lord.    

This morning and in the weeks to come, as we return to our study of Genesis at chapter 37, we read of the jealousy of Joseph’s brothers and how Judah wants to have his younger brother Joseph killed, but later is convinced by Reuben to only sell Joseph into slavery. 

Then, in chapter 38, we see the real character of Judah displayed, when he rejects his family and its faith by moving away from home. In addition, that chapter tells how Judah, driven by his lust, is tricked and seduced by his widowed daughter-in-law, Tamar. All-in-all, Judah was not a nice man. 

In contrast to Judah, beginning with chapter 39, we see the righteous man of faith, Joseph, who has physical control over his lusts, yet he is wrongfully accused of trying to take his boss’s wife by force. In turn, this godly, innocent and moral Joseph is thrown in jail for a crime he did not commit; yet, as the following chapters illustrate, he remains true to the Lord. 

By the time we come to the final chapters of Genesis, we see a dramatic change in Judah’s character and faith. He takes responsibility for his past actions, repents and seeks to make amends to his father for having wronged his brother. As a result, in Genesis 49:8-12, Jacob blesses Judah that through him will come one who will forever lead the children of Israel. We also note that Joseph and the rest of the family rightfully support their father’s blessing of Judah. 

So you see, the latter half of this book is really a story about how Judah’s life is transformed, and given a prominent place in the future history of Israel as set against the backdrop of the righteous Joseph’s life, who does not figure in the lineage of the coming Messiah.

This morning, we want to begin looking at Genesis 37. This chapter is made up of three scenes. The first and last scene take place at Jacob’s home, whereas the middle scene takes place out in the field. Scene 1, verses 1-11, we have the brother’s view of Joseph, which explains their response to selling Joseph into slavery, in Scene 2, which is covered in verses 12-30.  Scene 3, verses 31-36 has Joseph’s brothers returning home to lie to their father about Joseph’s whereabouts. They tell their father that Joseph had been killed. This morning, we are going to focus our time on just Scene 1, and look at Joseph through his brother’s eyes. Let’s begin our study by reading verses 1-2. “Now Jacob lived in the land where his father had sojourned, in the land of Canaan. These are the records of the generations of Jacob. Joseph, when seventeen years of age, was pasturing the flock with his brothers while he was still a youth, along with the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives. And Joseph brought back a bad report about them to their father.”

Several years have passed between the end of chapter 36 and the beginning of chapter 37. Jacob has moved his family down to be near his father, Isaac, in Hebron. Moses specifically mentions that Joseph is now 17, to highlight an important literary connection to this story that doesn’t show up until the end of Genesis. Here, we learn that Joseph lives with his father for the first 17 years of his life, and then later, in 47:28, we learn that Jacob, as an old man, lives with Joseph in Egypt for the last 17 years of his life. Such literary symmetry reveals God’s providence over the events of this story.  It also shows the closeness between father and son.    

At 17, Joseph had lived long enough to have developed a righteous reputation of his own. However, keep in mind that living among his other ten brothers, it was not hard to be considered righteous or good, because of their evil ways. 

Yet, at 17, Joseph certainly should have been old enough to know better than to give a “bad report,” or of the dangers of being a tattletale on his brothers. According to the Hebrew scholar Dr. Bruce Waltke, the term “bad report” reflects a report that is “slanted with the purpose to damage the victim.” Today, this would be a form of slander, talking about someone in an evil manner, even though what you may be saying is true. 

When Joseph tattled on his brothers, there was no righteous intent on Joseph’s part. He wasn’t trying to protect his brothers from further damaging the family’s reputation. His report wasn’t about wanting to help them grow up spiritually.  Simply put, Joseph had slandered his brothers so as to cause them to lose face in their father’s eyes, and to make himself look better.

Tattle tales or slanderers are arrogant and dangerously divisive. Look at the following scriptural warnings concerning a slanderer: Psalm 140:11 “May a slanderer not be established in the earth; May evil hunt the violent man speedily.”  Proverbs 10:18, “He who spreads slander is a fool.”  Proverbs 16:28, “A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends.” I’d say that Joseph, like any 17-year-old, had some growing up to do.

Dr. Griffith Thomas adds that this term, “bad report” suggests that Joseph’s act of reporting on his brothers had become public news that was so shocking that he had become notorious among the Canaanite community for having tattled on his brothers. Dr. Thomas’ point being that even though others in the Canaanite community knew of the evil goings on of the brothers, no one told their parents. But what blew the neighbors away was Joseph’s being a tattletale.  As in most cultures, being a tattletale is not acceptable.  

All of this raises the question: Could it be, that Joseph, like his father Jacob, had been kept so close to home, and was so spoiled that he was naive enough to think that he was so protected by his father’s love that he was beyond experiencing his brothers’ wrath? Did he really think that his older brothers would take such a thing sitting down and never want to get even?

In the next pathetic scene, when the brothers kidnap and sell Joseph into slavery, Reuben tells us later, in 42:21, that Joseph cried, pleaded and begged his brothers not to kill him or trade him away to slavery. Joseph was panicked and shocked by his brothers’ response to him.  As a result of living in the consequences of being a tattletale, Joseph spent the next 13 years becoming very street wise. More on that later.

For now, let’s return to our present scene, and observe what else it was that brought Joseph’s brothers down on him. “Now Israel [just as a reminder, that’s Jacob, Joseph’s father’s second name] loved Joseph more than all his sons, because he was the son of his old age; and he made him a varicolored tunic.”

Jacob’s special love for Joseph was more than just the fact that Joseph was Jacob’s first son by his beloved wife Rachel. What had caused Jacob’s love for Joseph to increase to the point of making him this varicolored tunic is that Rachel had died only about a year before Joseph turned seventeen.  Hence, for the past several months of mourning, every time Jacob looked at Joseph, he was reminded of the love of his life. It was only a natural then, for Jacob to want to transfer his esteem and love for his beloved Rachel to her first son, Joseph.

This varicolored tunic more literally translated is a “robe of long sleeves.” It was a very unique garment. The sleeves would fall to the wrists and the robe would flow all the way to the ankles. It was the kind of clothing worn by noblemen.

Typically, if you had to labor hard to make a living outdoors, you didn’t wear a garment that had long sleeves that could get caught in bushes or long clothing that would cramp or tie up free movement. As nomads and shepherds, Jacob’s sons had to wade through swamps, clamber up hills, carry wandering sheep home on their shoulders, and fight with robbers and beasts of prey. To wear such a robe while accomplishing this kind of work would have been unthinkable. 

It is for that reason that this robe was typically worn only by the nobility of the day, whose positions of power would have freed them from such entangling dirty work. Hence, this robe symbolized authority and favored position within the family. By giving this robe to Joseph, it was obvious to everyone Jacob was declaring that he had intended to treat Joseph as his firstborn; that he would be given the double portion of the family’s inheritance and that he would be the one to rule the family and carry on the family name.

That by itself, was enough to make Joseph’s brothers unhappy with him. Down through history, people have murdered their siblings over money, believing that they deserved more. Such was the case with Joseph’s older brothers. By giving this coat to Joseph, Jacob had, in effect, driven a stake of jealousy into each of the hearts of his 10 other sons. That’s why I don’t fully blame Joseph for his brothers hating him. Sure, Joseph was naive, lacked a little experience and wisdom. But he was also a victim of his own father’s stupidity. No one can blame a 17-year-old for not turning down such a gift from his father.

Dr. Gene Getz drives this point home with the following illustration: “Imagine for a moment that you have a number of children. All of them have given you a rough time except your youngest. He is disciplined, cooperative, sensitive, loving and just an all-around good kid. In the meantime, you’ve done pretty well in life. You’ve saved some money. And your youngest son is seventeen, ready to graduate from high school—with honors, no less. You’re really proud of your son. So you make a decision. On graduation night, when the rest of the family is present for this lovely occasion, you unveil a little surprise for your son. When he walks out of the school gym following graduation exercises, there sitting in front of the school, is a phenomenon to behold–the dream of every young man. The sign reads: “Congratulations, son! You deserve it!” The gift? A brand new sports car! And what do you think the other older children are going to feel? Jealousy.”

And that’s just what their response is in verse 4. “His brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers; and so they hated him and could not speak to him on friendly terms.” In Hebrew, “friendly terms” carries the idea of speaking kind and peaceable words to someone. Their anger was so great that Joseph’s brothers couldn’t so much as even say, “Good morning” to him. When brothers are drawn together in “common hatred,” they feed on one another’s feelings of resentment and collaborate in their actions. And so it was between Joseph’s brothers.

Their father’s love and preferential treatment toward Joseph, and later his unnatural mourning over what he believed to be Joseph’s death was the reason that Jacob’s son, Judah, in  chapter 38, leaves home and strikes out on his own. He has had enough of his father’s unhealthy love for Joseph.

In the next five verses, things go from bad to worse in this dysfunctional family. In a way, we can’t blame Joseph totally for what happens next. Understand, based upon what was happening in his relationship with his father, Joseph couldn’t help but believe that God was going to use him in a special way. He has been living a charmed life. Everything has gone his way. It’s almost as though Joseph is being set up to fail.  

Sure enough, God shows Joseph that He is going to use Joseph’s life in a special way. Joseph has two dreams, very similar in theme. The first one he only shares with his brothers. The second one, he shares with both his father and brothers. We read, “Then Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. He said to them, ‘Please listen to this dream which I have had; for behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and lo, my sheaf rose up and also stood erect; and behold, your sheaves gathered around and bowed down to my sheaf.’ Then his brothers said to him, ‘Are you actually going to reign over us? Or are you really going to rule over us?’ So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.” 

We know from his success in later life that Joseph was an extremely bright and wise person; and that is why it is so hard to conceive how he could have been so blind, so foolish as to tell his family about his dreams. These dreams he should have kept to himself.  Okay, he was fascinated by his dreams. Indeed, it was unusual to have such dreams. But not to consider the effect his telling of his dreams would have on his brothers is the height of foolishness. Which just goes to show us, that being bright is not the same thing as being wise. Furthermore, as the old saying goes, “Wisdom is not wasted on the young.” For soon after this event, Joseph will be sent away to the university of wisdom, which is founded on the same campus as the school of hard knocks. He will attend the school of wisdom for the next thirteen years of his life. Several of those years will be spent in the classroom of Potiphar’s home as his slave and several in the classroom of a prison cell as a prisoner.

We read of his second dream in verse 9: “Now he had still another dream, and related it to his brothers, and said, ‘Lo, I have had still another dream; and behold, the sun and the moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.’ He related it to his father and to his brothers; and his father rebuked him [ or as one translation puts it, “...his father scolded him.”] and said to him, ‘What is this dream that you have had? Shall I and your mother and your brothers actually come to bow ourselves down before you to the ground?’ His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the saying in mind.”

Even dear old Dad has a bit of a problem thinking he will bow down to Joseph. However, the fact that Jacob kept the matter to himself, meant that he didn’t quite toss off Joseph’s dreams as being a kid’s crazy evening thought. Jacob had experienced supernatural dreams himself. Add to that, he knew that Joseph was not a deceiver. Hence, Jacob was “Staying tuned in” just in case.

Now let’s stop at this point and look at three practical applications from our text. First, as it concerns the role of parenting.

No enemy is more subtle and dangerous to parenting than passivity. Or, to state this more positively, successful parenting requires continuous parental involvement in the children’s lives. Jacob, the head of his household, didn’t take the initiative to train up his children, and it showed! Instead of providing an atmosphere of love, trust and what it means to esteem others more highly than yourself, Jacob fostered an environment that all but guaranteed his children would turn out reckless, insecure, angry, discontent and ungodly.

A second lesson that screams from this text, is that nothing breeds hatred between siblings as much as when parents play favorites or show preference to one child over another. If one wants to be a successful parent, then one is required to avoid picking favorites. Our God, the only perfect Father, treats all people the same way, without partiality. For we read of Him, in Deuteronomy 10:17-18, “The Lord your God is the God of gods and Lord of lords. He is the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and takes no bribes. He gives justice to orphans and widows. He shows love to the foreigners living among you and gives them food and clothing.”

Most of us would like to think that we don’t play favorites with our kids. And, for the most part, we may believe we have not. However, our kids may feel differently. In the past several years, both Becky and I have counseled adults who keenly felt their parents had played favorites. Whether it was through their many words of praise for one child, and silence of encouraging words to another; or going to all of one child’s sporting events but not making time for another child’s debate contests or art exhibits; or the giving of a financial reward to one child for the training in good behavior, while another child, who already behaves well but gets nothing.... As parents, we must seek God for wisdom in this area, so that as we abide in Him, He will live His life out through us in our parenting of our children.

Thirdly, successful parenting encourages children to practice sharing with, encouraging and forgiving one another. Quality relationships, whether within the nuclear family or in the church family, are built upon sharing, encouraging and forgiving one another. As parents, when we see our children sharing with one another and encouraging one another and practicing forgiveness toward each other, we should applaud them. That’s Christ-like. On the other hand, no response among children is more cruel and destructive to their relationships than jealousy, stinginess, speaking unkind words or carrying an unforgiving spirit. Solomon was right when he said, “Jealousy is as cruel as the grave” ( Solomon 8:6). Job adds, in Job 5:2, “Anger slays the foolish man, and jealousy kills the simple.” If you allow the seed of jealousy, anger and unforgiveness take root in your life or in your children’s lives, it will destroy the family’s unity and harmony. As a parent you must learn to recognize and weed out bad attitudes as well as actions. All the while, when you catch those beautiful gestures of a right attitude, like sharing or speaking kind words to one another, reward your children. Build them up! 

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