THE ORIGIN OF CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

Genesis 3:16-21
Bob Bonner
June 27, 2004

Why do husbands and wives so often find conflict in their marriage, even when they want to do what is right? Why is it so difficult at times for there to be harmony in the home? Has it always been that way? Answer: No, it has not. This morning we want to look at why it is that today all marriages are less than perfect and that a certain amount of strife is going to be common in the home. However, by God’s grace, and with both the husband and wife living their lives in submission to Jesus Christ, this strife can be held to a minimum and man and woman can live in the wonderfully meaningful relationship that God desires for them.

This morning, we return to our study of Genesis. We find ourselves at Genesis 3:16, in the middle of looking at God’s curses and decrees against Satan, woman and man, which occur as a result of man and woman’s rebellion against God. Having already looked at God’s curses against Satan in verses 14-15, today, we want to look at just verse 16 and the two decrees directed at the woman. However, even though these decrees are spoken against woman, the resultant effect is not against her alone. These decrees against woman affect both the woman and man as they relate in marriage.

Let’s begin our study by first reading and getting a grip on what verse 16 says. Then we will look at the modern implications of this verse, and what God’s remedy is to living as a fulfilled woman and man in marriage, even though this decree still exists today, because we still live in a fallen world.

“To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’”

There are two clearly defined consequences for woman as a result of Eve’s sin. One deals with pain and the other subjection. That’s the bad news. But when a woman submits her life to Jesus Christ, God can bring blessings to a woman even in the midst of a fallen and sin filled world. First, let’s look at each negative consequence, one at a time, and its blessing as well, in Christ.

In the first of half of verse 16, God clearly decrees that having children will bring great pain to mothers. And when the writer speaks of pain, he refers to the physical pain, emotional upheaval and danger a mother will be subjected to that is associated with child rearing.

In Hebrew, there is no word for physical “pain,” only a root word that is universally translated as “sorrow”. It comes from the Hebrew word for “toil.” Hence, this “pain” refers not just to the physical pain, but the “heartbreaking toil of having children.” Not just in the giving of birth, but the entire process of “bringing them forth” as the verse goes on to say, or the entire process of raising children.

Yes, there are tremendous joys in raising children as we will see, but there are also incredible heartbreaking, heart wounding moments that are unique to mothers as well.

This decree is uniquely limited to women. No man can possibly understand or experience the joys or heartbreaks associated with child rearing as a woman does. Yes, we men can experience the joys and heartbreaks concerning our children, but not to the depth that the mothers do. Part of that has to do with the hormonal differences between men and women, the woman’s unique need for those hormones to conceive and care for her children.

It is as a result of these hormones that mothers typically feel the sense of danger for their children more than the fathers do. Daddy playfully grabs his little girl’s arms and begins to swing her in a circle, and what does mama do? She just about comes unglued: “Don’t do that fool! Don’t you know you can rip her arms out of her sockets?” Or, when their son or daughter comes home and announces, “I’ve just signed up for sixteen lessons in skydiving!” Dad says, “Hey, cool, can I join you!” Mom says, “Whoa! You are going skydiving over my dead body!!”

But there is another side to the pain of child bearing. There is also the blessing of child rearing. A mother does not just feel a sense of danger for her children; she also is filled with pride at her child’s successes. Dad’s are too, but for mothers there is a greater intensity of pride. The reason being is that a mother’s sense of success or failure in life is directly related to her children. In sum, mother’s hearts are bound to their children from the moment they get over the shock that they are pregnant, until mom dies.

Perhaps this blessing of child rearing sheds a little light on a very troublesome verse in the New Testament, 1 Timothy 2:15. Let’s begin reading at verse 13: “For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression. But women shall be preserved [not “saved” as some Bibles have it] through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.”

One can see immediately how difficult this passage can be to understand, especially without the help of Genesis 3. What Paul is speaking about in verse 15 is how a mother will find her fulfillment and blessing in life, that deep sense of satisfaction when all is done and over with. This term “preserved” teaches us that for a mother; that which makes life worthwhile, purposeful and useful is for her to build her life into her children. To help them grow up strong and godly.

Notice the last part of the verse: “...if they [meaning her children] continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.” Because of her mentoring, if her children grow up to be followers of Christ, lovers of people and filled with self-restraint as she has been, because of her own devotion to the Lord and her family, then she will feel a deep sense of reward.

A mother’s heart is wrapped up in the lives of her children. I witnessed one mother, in late her 70's, and who grew up under the philosophy of Doctor Spock and the liberal ideas of child rearing that came out of the era of the 50's that promoted the philosophy that you let your children raise themselves. Today, her children are in their late 30's. They say they love their mom, but she has confessed that she feels like she failed her kids. Something is missing between them. Neither are married, one is living an alternative lifestyle; the other has had multiple relationships. She feels that because of their lifestyles and choices in life, she wished she had done things differently. How sad.

As husbands, God calls us to love our wives, the mothers of our children. How do we lovingly honor the mother of our children? I believe God tells us in 1 Peter 3:7. It says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way...” More literally, that means, men, we are to daily, continually go to school on understanding our wives and their needs and their roles in life, which continually change as our kids get older.

Why does he tell us to keep on learning about our wives? He hints at why in the rest of the verse: “...as a weaker vessel, since she is a woman...” Very clearly, God is telling us men that our wives are not like us. This expression, “weaker vessel” is not a slur, but a descriptive word one might use to depict an expensive fine piece of hand sculptured fragile bone china. You treat her with gentleness as though she is precious and irreplaceable. You don’t treat her like you would a mass produced, dime-a-dozen clay ash tray!

Men our job is to come along side our wives and help them to live through this “pain” that came as a result of the Fall. How do we do that? Become a forever student of your wife, treating her as precious in your sight.

Foolish is the man who speaks to, cares for, corrects or attempts to honor his wife the same way he would another man. If women were like us, God would not have to tell us to keep on doing our homework to figure them out. Men, our wives are nothing like us! And the sooner we realize it, and honor each of them uniquely as they need to be understood and honored, the greater and deeper our love for one another grows.

However, men, let’s be honest. Typically, we think our love for our wives stops growing when they stop responding to us the way we would like them to. But the truth of the matter is, our love for our wives stopped growing when we stopped learning or stopped trying to learn how to honor them, or treat them as precious.

Hence, I say it boldly: If you don’t like the way your wife is acting toward you, then check out how you are honoring her or learning to understand her. Men, women are responders. Don’t ever forget that or get it confused. Women are responders. Men are to be the nurturers of the marriage relationship. That’s how God set it up. He makes that very clear in Ephesians 5. If you don’t like the way she is responding to you, check out your nurturing. More than likely, you have created the monster you are living with! You have failed to understand her needs or meet them.

Furthermore, I believe the statement that our wives are a “weaker vessel, since she is a woman...” quite possibly has to do with husbands learning to understand their wives hormonally driven mood swings.

If there is one thing I have learned about my beloved wife, it is that she has never remained static emotionally. I do not mean by that, that she is emotionally unstable. That she is not! She is one of the most emotionally stable persons I have ever known. When I say that she is not static emotionally, I mean that I have learned that as women move through various passages in life, their hormones change and so do their desires, drives and sensitivities.

Becky and I laugh about it now, but along the way, neither of us was always laughing. I can remember that just about the time I figured out what passage of life my wife was in and how to love her, she had already moved on to the next stage, leaving me just one or two steps behind. I am constantly in a learning mode or maybe more honestly stated in my case, a “catch up” mode. Even though I have read many books on the subject, I have discovered that no two women are exactly the same as they pass through these eras of life. Hence, I am charged by God, to be the care-taker of my wife, to learn about her.

Men, it is crystal clear what our calling before God is in this area: You are to encourage her, care for her as though she is the most precious gift from God He has ever given you. And if the truth be declared, men, our wives are.

I’ll say it again: If you don’t like the way your wife is acting toward you, check out how you are honoring her or learning to understand her. If you don’t like your wife, then I question how much honoring or effort you have made to understand her. Often times, the way our wives respond to us is a reflection of the amount of effort we have taken to honor them, to get to know them, to nurture and cherish them.

But here is some good news guys: Even if you never figure her out completely, if you demonstrate to her that you are committed to studying her and trying to learn how to honor her, she will bless your every feeble effort in return. Count on it!

So, back to Genesis 3, in verse 16b, we see the second consequential decree of God directed toward woman, as a result of her rebellion against God. Like the first decree, this one too has a huge impact upon the relationship of a man and woman in marriage. We read, “...yet [“and” or “in addition” would be a better translation because this decree is separate and unconnected to the first] your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’”

For decades, this verse has been completely misunderstood by Christendom, simply because many have not understood the use and meaning of the words “desire” and “rule.” The Hebrew term “desire” is a very unique word that is used only three times in Scripture. Without going into a long explanation, this word means “to prompt another to do evil; to manipulate or try to control another for selfish gain.”

Now, put that same meaning of “desire”, this idea of “prompting to do evil” in Genesis. 3:17 and what do you get? You get this: “your desire will be for your husband, or [you will have evil promptings toward your husband, you will try to manipulate or control your husband for personal gain] but he will rule over you.”

Think about this: according to Genesis. 3:6 the woman prompted her husband to do evil, to eat of the forbidden fruit. She took the lead in the relationship, rather than remaining in partnership. She began to be controlling, and Adam allowed it, for fear of losing her. This understanding of what took place in Genesis 3:6 is supported in 3:17, when God disciplines Adam for deliberately choosing to ignore God in favor of listening to his wife.

Make sure you don’t misunderstand what I just said this verse teaches. This verse is not forbidding couples from putting their heads together in trying to figure out in what direction God is leading them. This is not a verse that supports the crazy notion that it is all up to the man to figure out how to lead his family. God is for couples using their brains together to determine their course of action, with one exception. If God clearly says, “Don’t eat that fruit”, then men, it doesn’t matter what your wife says. You are not to eat that fruit! Or, follow her lead at your own peril.

Notice what God says will happen to the woman in the end of this verse. He says that the husband’s typical response to a manipulating wife, one who takes leadership when she should not, and one who wrestles with him for control, will be to “rule over you.” Understand that this is not a good thing. This is not a directive by God on how the man should lead his home, as you may find elsewhere in Scripture. No, this is a very negative maybe even wicked response by the male.

Some have weakened this word “rule” to describe a husband’s loving leadership over the relationship. However, even though that is the husband’s exhortation by God elsewhere in scripture, this is not what is happening here. This word “rule” is a harsh word that describes the man’s reaction to a woman who tries to manipulate or dominate him. His reaction will be harsh domination. He will try to push her down, and do just the opposite of honoring her or wanting to understand her. He will tend to exert wicked force against her. He will dominate her in anything but a loving way. As a result, she will experience an unholy subjection to her husband. After the Fall, this was going to be the result of her sin. Wrongful pressure against her husband in their relationship would bring out a harsh reaction toward her.

Understand this, God is not giving permission for a man to mistreat his wife here; it’s just a statement of the reality of how fallen man will respond to a fallen woman’s wrongful steps.

Notice, I have called this an “unholy subjection to her husband.” The husband / wife roles, of him being the leader and her being the follower is not the consequence of sin. This relationship between woman and man, the man being the leader and the woman his helpmeet was present before the Fall as well. Woman came out of her man and was made for him. Her fulfillment came in working with her husband to reach his goals. Before the Fall, there was a natural yielding to him, in which she offered no resistance, a holy subjection in which she found herself delighting in the whole experience.

Likewise, he loved and honored Eve so much so that when she fell into sin and he had not yet fallen into sin, he had a choice to make: go with her, or go on alone with God without her. He so loved her, that he followed her lead, rather than choosing God.

Hence, the headship of man was a fact from the beginning of creation. It is just the latter part of verse 16 that is the consequence of the fall, that of being the harsh ruler rather than the loving leadership of a husband.

As a result of the fall, a perverse struggle occurs, a tension exists. There was a rivalry birthed between man and woman that continues to this day. In addition, the woman finds herself torn between the natural God-given desire to yield to her husband, and at the same time, to exert her will over his—a perverse urge to rival or dominate. Perhaps a woman herself can best describe this most accurately. The following is just such a quote, describing this perverse struggle women face:

“Millions of words have been written on how a man should love a woman. I would like to give you my reflections on the things a man should not do in loving a woman. First, don’t yield your leadership. That’s the main thing. Don’t hand us the reins. We would consider this an abdication on your part. It would confuse us, it would alarm us, and it would make us pull back.

Quicker than anything else it would fog the clear vision that made us love you in the first place. Oh, we will try to get you to give up your position as number one in the house—that’s the terrible contradiction in us. We will seem to be fighting you to the last ditch for final authority on everything, for awhile, but in the obscure recesses of our hearts we want you to win. You have to win, for we aren’t really made for leadership. It’s a pose.” [Coronet, February, 1955]

Would you like to know who wrote that? Judy Garland wrote that in 1955! Sadly, it came as a lesson learned by her through the school of hard knocks. It is the story of her own, I believe, it was eight failed marriages.

This is why women can never find true happiness in marriage until they take seriously the words of Scripture, “wives be subject to your husbands.”

But men, let me be clear on this: Although God has called you to be the leader in your home; God has never given you the right to be tyrannical in your leadership. In Ephesians. 5, God clearly teaches that in order to be a valid godly leader of your wife, someone whom she will want to follow, you must be truly her lover first. Not sexual lover, but Christ-like lover. What does a Christ-like lover look like? The apostle Paul sums it up in two words: one who nourishes and cherishes his wife.

The word “nourish” means to help mature, to promote growth and health, both physical and emotional, to build up or give strength. It's the same word that Paul uses in Ephesians 6:4 when he talks to parents about "bringing up" or raising one's kids. Hence, if I am going to aid my wife in living in holy subjection to my leadership, then I need to “nourish her” = help her mature, to promote physical, emotional and spiritual growth and health.

For instance: Men, are we promoting our wives physical health freeing up our wives so that they can maybe work out and stay in shape or get in shape right along side us? Let’s say your wife isn’t feeling well. Do you tell her, “Man, you look sick! Get yourself to the doctor”? Or, do you ask her, “Honey, you don’t look well. Would you like me to go to the doctor with you or pick up something from the store?”

Are we promoting their emotional health by being a listening ear or providing for them a refuge so that during the day if they need to unload their burdens or stress they can? Are we encouraging them, complimenting their good qualities, or do they feel like all we do is put them down? One does not nourish or promote growth in an individual by belittling them or slicing away at them with cutting remarks.

Are we promoting their spiritual growth by giving them a break from the kids so that they can spend some time alone with the Lord; whether it be at home or at a woman’s retreat?

To “cherish” means something different from nourish. It means "to watch our for, to protect, and to treat tenderly." It is the word used of a mother bird who sits on her nest to keep her chicks warm and protected. Men, we are to be there to repair her world, without waiting for her to ask us. One wife asked her husband if on the way home from work, he wouldn't mind picking up another mousetrap. "Another mousetrap? What's the matter with the one I bought you three days ago?" She said, "It's full!" Cherishing our wives practically means, taking the best care of her physical world that we can.

Guys, your God ordained assignment is to provide your wife with an environment of warmth and security, where tenderness is regularly expressed. God never gave you an assignment to build a business or portfolio or to be the best athlete, but He did order us to cherish our wives. How successful would your wife say you are right now at cherishing her?

I remember reading this ad that was obviously written by a wife who felt less than cherished. It read, “For sale: One 52 year old husband. Never remembers anniversaries, birthdays, or special days. Seldom holds hands, hugs, kisses, or says, "I love you." Rarely is kind or tender. Will sell cheap - two cents. Call 555-0366. Will dicker.” [BUILDING YOUR WIFE'S SELF ESTEEM, Rainey, p.139]

In a nut shell, what have we seen as a result of the Fall? What are the effects upon women and, in turn, marriage? Women will experience pain in child rearing and want to be in control, but not really want to be in control. They will nag and become emotional, and sometimes try to manipulate. In spite of that, we men are called to lead our wives, through becoming students of our wives, discovering how they are to be nourished and cherished.

Does this sound like an impossible relationship? It is, apart from the supernatural power of God resident in the marriage. Only as two people commit their lives to Jesus Christ and invite His enablement to love and honor each other, will we see a reversal of the effects of the Fall in our marriages.

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