LOVING THE UNLOVABLE

Romans 12:14-21
Bob Bonner
March 31, 1996

The headline of the newspaper article read: "Two Factions---One Fellowship?" The story that followed was the true account of a church that was seeking to find a pastor. The church was polarized. There were two different factions, both of them contentious, strong-willed, and determined to get their own favorite man to come and serve as the new pastor. The news article read something like this:

"Yesterday each faction sent its choice for minister to the same pulpit. Both spoke simultaneously, each trying to shout the other down. Both called for hymns, and the congregation sang two different songs at the same time, each side attempting to drown the other out.

Before the hymns were concluded, both groups began shouting at each other. Bibles were raised in anger. The Sunday morning service dissolved into chaos as both preachers continued to out shout each other with their sermons.

Finally one of the deacons called the police. A few minutes later two police officers came in and ordered the congregation---or congregations---to be quiet and return to their homes. The rivals filed out, still arguing.

That evening one of the members of the church called a "Let's Be Friends" meeting. It ended in a brawl.

As Christians, our conflicts may not always be as public or as ludicrous as this one, which was splashed across the pages of many newspapers. But the world is watching as the Christians in churches fight their own civil wars. The non-Christians shake their heads in amazement as we wound and crush each other. [A FORGIVING GOD IN AN UNFORGIVING WORLD, Ron Lee Davis, p. 79-80] But really, the world shouldn't be surprised by it; and I might add, neither should we.

I am often amazed at the response of Christians to the hurts they receive from other Christians. They are shocked or surprised that another Christian, whom they may have loved and served the Lord with, could suddenly turn on them and hurt them, as though all Christians are suppose to have been delivered from ever sinning. Don't misunderstand. I am not giving a reason for us to go out and sin or never live differently than those who don't know Christ. But on the other hand, we must recognize that Christians do and will continue to hurt each other as long as we live on this planet. 

We are not exempt from sin. Therefore, it is not a matter of if you will ever be let down or disappointed by or hurt by the failure of other Christians toward us, but when. And when you experience this hurt brought on by other Christians, the real issue is how will you then respond? When the dust settles from the immediate hurt that you have received because another believer has let you down, now what are you going to do? That's when we separate the spiritual children from the spiritual adults; the immature from the mature Christian.

I do not know from whom this quote originated, but I will tell you that I think it gives us a correct vantage point from which to view our expectations of our lives together as Christians. Someone said, "The only place, outside of Heaven, that you will be perfectly safe from all the danger of truly loving another is Hell!"

Therefore, how do we deal with wounds received from fellow family members and move on serving together our common Lord? That's what the Spirit of God wants us to see in our passage this morning. Throughout the rest of Romans, God wants us to see how we are to make sure that love governs and shapes all of our relationships; whether it be amongst the Christian community (chapter 12) or with those governmental officials that God has put over us (be they Christian or not) (chapter 13) or be it with other Christians concerning the practicing of our freedoms in Christ in the so called "social gray" areas of life (chapters 14-15).

Last time we looked at Romans 12:9-13. There we saw God's exhortation to us as believers, to practice loving those Christians who are loveable. In those verses, we are challenged not to take other Christians for granted, but are to actively seek ways to honor one another and to demonstrate that we love each other. Then, Paul listed several ways to demonstrate practical love toward one another.

In our passage for this morning, in verses 14-21, we are going to look at God's instructions to us in loving those who are the "unlovable Christians" amongst our own household of faith and those "unlovable non-Christians" whom we may not want to reach out to either.

As we begin our study, we will look at verses 14-16, which specifically speaks to our working with and loving other Christians that we might find difficult to love. It may be difficult to love them because our personalities naturally conflict or because we have different maturity levels or because we may not share the same convictions about certain things...it could be that we find it difficult to love them for many reasons. The point is, these are believers who rub us the wrong way and we may even feel like they are our enemies.

If you look at your outlines, you will see that I have made a distinctive break in our passage of study between verses 16 and 17. At that breaking point, I see Paul shifting his focus from believers to both believers and non-believers. Allow me to explain why.

In verse 16, Paul makes a clear distinction as to whom he is writing when he uses the term "one another" in stating that we are to "be of the same mind toward one another." There are two terms that Paul could use here to speak about one another, in the original language. One term refers to one another of the same kind, meaning one another who are Christians; and then a second term that refers to one another, but of two distinctly different kinds, namely Christian and non-Christian. From the very beginning of this chapter, up through verse 16, every time Paul has spoken about one another, it has clearly referred to Christians, and he has used the term "one another of the same kind." 

However, when we come to verse 17, Paul specifically changes the target of his audience when he refers to being unjustly treated. Beginning with verses 17 and 18, Paul emphatically uses terms that refer to not practicing evil to anyone amongst the entire corporate group of humanity. Twice in these verses, Paul states that we are to do what is right in the sight of "all people", Christian and non-Christian alike. Furthermore, in verse 19, Paul uses the term "God's wrath" in talking about God's punishment of people. Never is the term "God's wrath" used in the New Testament to refer to God's discipline of His chosen or saved believers. God disciplines Christians when we do wrong, but we are exempt from God's wrath, which refers to God's punishment and destruction.

So it is important that we notice from the outset that there is a different target group of people being focused upon in these verses. However, the common theme, regardless of the people, is how do you live with and work through other's wrong doings toward you.

Let's begin looking at verses 14-15, where Paul instructs us as to how to handle an already existent relationship with an "unlovable" Christian, meaning one of those Christians that you would just as soon avoid seeing in the market or sitting next to in worship. Paul says, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and curse not."

The term "bless" is a word from which we get our English word to "eulogize." It is not a religious term that refers to some hocus pocus prayer or song and dance. It is much simpler than that. It simply means to speak well of in public, to lift up a person's name or reputation in a positive light; to cause others to focus on a positive characteristic or accomplishments of that person. It's the opposite of bad mouthing someone. It's finding something that you can approve of and speak to that.

How opposite this is from what "the flesh" wants. You remember that the flesh is this thing that we are saddled with that is a part of our lives until we die, that pushes us to do what is evil. The flesh is not us, but it will be part of us until we die and go home to be with the Lord. It's like an evil pace maker that is not really part of our identity, but is in us. This flesh wants us to seek revenge, retaliate in word or deed when someone hurts or wrongs us, because the flesh focuses on the wrong done to us. But the spirit says, "No. It is true that this fellow believer may have wronged you. But don't focus on the wrong. Instead, speak of the good in that person."

This is an extension of what we saw back in verse 9. There we read to "abhor, or reject or hate evil, but cling to what is good." You remember, that we said that that verse meant that you rejected the evil lifestyle of the Christian who sins, but you hang on to the good of the Christian. In verse 14, Paul is re-emphasizing the importance of focusing on and praising the good of the Christian who may feel to you like your enemy at that moment.

One side note of interest is the word "persecute". Paul is using a play on words here. This word is the same word, in the original language, as the word for "practice" in verse 13. Although it is translated "persecute" and "practice", the common idea of the word is to be "in pursuit" of someone. In verse 13, it is saying that you pursue reaching out to other believers and serving them in a positive way. In verse 14, it is subtly warning you not to be surprised that as you are pursuing friendships with other believers, they may turn on you and pursue you to do you harm.

That's so true to life, isn't it? Any of you ever have a close friend, someone for whom you have reached out and served and loved, suddenly find them turning on you? That's the picture here. Rather than going public and telling everybody what a feigned that person is, God says, "Okay, you can acknowledge their wrong toward you, but make your public focus on what is good about that person. Do what you can to redeem them and maybe your relationship." In other words, don't try to gather support from other believers in the body to turn their back on the one that has harmed you. "Bless and curse not."

As we look at verse 15, we see a specific example of how one can "bless" rather than "curse" their fellow Christian, their enemy. Paul states, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." If you really want to bless someone's life in a practical way, then be there to rejoice over their good fortune and weep over their misfortune.

That's not easy, is it. Let's admit it that it is hard to rejoice with someone who has hurt you or has received something that you think you deserve. It's also hard to weep with them when something goes wrong. Usually, when something negative happens to a fellow Christian who has hurt us, we don't want to rejoice; we think "Serves him or her right!"

How does one combat this fleshly desire to rejoice with those who weep and weep while those we dislike rejoice? Humanly speaking, you can't. It's only when you remember who you are in Christ and exchange places with the Lord to allow Him to live his life in you. Your identity is a saint. You are set apart by God to live in His power for Him. By faith, you admit your weakness and by faith you call upon the Lord to live his life through you in his power, and He will at that moment. Remember, it is a moment by moment decision to walk with Christ, not a once and for all decision.

I have a fellow Christian who hurt me deeply a number of years ago. At first, my desire was to hate him with my whole heart. Then, remembering who I was, a vessel carrying the very life of Jesus Christ in me, I chose to ask Jesus to exchange places with me and for him to live his life through me as I chose to depend upon him. And by faith, Jesus walked in my life before this man and has enabled me to love this brother who hurt me. 

I made a conscious decision to obey God; that whenever my enemies name came up, I would speak well of him, and not evil, for that is how Jesus operates. Then, as I trusted moment by moment, for Jesus to live His life through me. And He has. Early on, there were times that I didn't live up to that. Sometimes, I stumbled, but for the most part, I succeeded. 

From time to time, I would bump into him on the street or at a meeting and I would ask how things were going for him, how were the individual members of his family, etc.. There were times when I rejoiced in his good fortune and other times I shared in his grief or pain for those things that had gone wrong. We are not now and probably never will be bosom buddies again, but I genuinely care for him and I believe that he now respects me and cares for me as well. We are now working together for the sake of our savior, in different small, short term projects. We even share prayer requests.

Folks, when we realize who lives in us, and by faith, believe that when we ask Him to, He will work his life out through us, He does.

In verse 16, Paul shows us how we can avoid difficulties with other believers, as far as our part is concerned. He says, "Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation."

Literally, "being of the same mind toward one another" should be translated "Think the same thing towards one another." Here, Paul is calling us to live in harmony with each other, not dissonance. Keep in mind or focus on the same purpose or goal in life that you share as believers.  

If we are in Christ, and His mind is in us, then it should be natural for us to be of the same mind toward one another. That is, as long as each of us keep looking to Christ rather than to our own selfish interests. It's when we seek after our own interests that we stop being of the same mind. It's when we become so self-absorbed with our personal pursuits that we lose sight of God's major calling over our lives. And, as Paul tells us here, this self absorption usually happens because we become haughty, wiser than others in our own estimation. We value our opinions more than someone less or more educated than us. Basically, our pride starts getting in the way. When this happens we start thinking we are above others, when really, we all stand equally low before the foot of the cross. As someone else once said, "The ground is level beneath the cross."

This takes us back to verse 2 of this chapter, doesn't it? Back in verse 2, we were exhorted not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think. We are to think of ourselves as God thinks...no more and no less.

When all is said and done with verse 16, Paul is showing us in that verse what seeds to avoid planting amongst the soil of our friendships. Either we are planting seeds of conflict and divisiveness or we are planting seeds of harmony.

As we move on into verse 17-21, Paul expands his circle of people to include all of the "unlovables" of the world, both believers in Jesus and non-believers. Here, God wants us to understand how we are to let God handle all of our enemies and what the limit of our responsibility is when it comes to retaliation.

Jesus warned the disciples in John 15-16 that the world of non-believers will hate and reject you for taking a stand to follow Jesus. He even warns us that there will be individuals who may begin with your fellowship, claim to follow Jesus for a short time and then turn their backs on you and or on Jesus. In doing so, they may even persecute you and harm you. What are we to do in those cases? I know what our flesh cries for...REVENGE! We figure that if we treat others the way they treated us then they are only getting what they deserve. It's the "I'll teach them a lesson" routine. "I'll give them back what they've given me and see how they like it" kind of thinking.

God knows that's how our flesh works and that's why He instructs Paul to tell us, first, "Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."

In comparison to what Paul to the persecution mentioned in verse 14-15, these two verses and the following verses refer to a greater and fiercer persecution of you, the individual Christian. It is not just persecution because of your faith, but it includes persecution because your enemy thinks he can take advantage of you and that you won't retaliate because you are a Christian...they think you won't retaliate.

But listen to this. In a way, you are to retaliate. And you are to retaliate with the most powerful weapon known to man...love and doing right. I'll give you an illustration of that in just a moment. But before I do, note what Paul says in verse 18. He says, "as far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men." There are people out there that no matter how hard you try to live peaceably with them, they won't let you. In that case, peace can't be achieved. They have decided to make a permanent breach with you. If that be the case, you just make sure that you are ready to respond in a loving manner, should the opportunity occur in the future and don't you be held responsible for maintaining the breach.

As a Christian parent, if you haven't yet, you will find other non-Christian parents or their children trying to do your child in so that their kid can get ahead in the world. They will work school politics, social policies, sport club rules, whatever is at their disposal to give their child the advantage. I have run into this on more than one occasion. It has been very painful and frustrating to watch. There are times that you feel like grabbing your enemy and squeezing their neck until their eyeballs bug out. But that's the flesh. One can't deny one's feelings, but you can prevent wrong action by doing what is right and watch your feelings change. When we focus on the Lord, and realize that He is watching and ultimately in control of our child's life, we know that even the injustice they face will be used by Him for good.

I can think right now of one situation with one non-Christian with whom I have had to work closely in the past 5 years. He is an expert mechanic at fixing the machinery so that his kid stays out in front. To say that it doesn't bother me even now would be dishonest. But my feelings have changed since I have chosen to pray for him and his child's salvation. I have reached out and invited him to socialize with me in a different arena. I have tried to find areas in his life and in his child's life to complement him. Last week, when his kid was in need of some money to get something to eat and his dad didn't have any on him, I gave it to him. 

Why? Because that's Jesus at work, not me. That's doing what's right in the sight of all men. That's doing all that I can to be at peace with all men, without compromising my faith or character. I believe with all my heart, that one day, maybe years from now, being obedient to Jesus in this very important matter may pave the way to share the gospel with this family. I still wrestle with negative feelings and thoughts. But I realize that those thoughts and feelings don't come from the spirit of God, but the flesh. And I choose to let the spirit take over and do what's right.

But what do you do if you keep being taken advantage of or this seriously wrongs or harms you? What do you do personally? Excluding the kind of harm in which the government is to take a policing role, and excluding the role in sports of referees and in the home, the role of parents, Paul tells us what is our role when we have been wronged and what his role is. He says, "Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath {of God,} for it is written, ’Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord."

Bottom line....there are two activities that are prohibited to us and only belong to God. They are revenge and punishment. Evil deserves to be punished and will be; but God says that it is His and only His prerogative to punish. Sometimes He may use government or school authorities over us, or God may use other means to deliver justice. But no evil will ever go unnoticed or not be dealt with by God.

How do I know that? Basically, because of two attributes of God. First of all, God is in charge of this world. He is sovereign and nobody supersedes his authority. Secondly God is a just God. Hence, when an injustice is committed, God, because He is just and nobody else will prevent Him from doing what is natural to His just character, "His Honor", the judge, will judge. He cannot allow injustice to go unanswered. That is part of His very nature. Justice may not occur per our time table, but this verse says that He will deal justly with every wrong doing. God promises, "I will repay."

That's a very strong statement, when God says, "I will repay." It is not only a comforting statement to those who have been wronged, in that they will receive full and complete justice. But it is also a warning to anyone who does wrong, including those who have been wronged and take vengeance into their own hands.

As we look to the next verse, verse 20, notice how God has said in verse 19, don't do this. God never tells us to stop doing someone or not to start doing wrong without telling us where we can focus our energies for good. And in verse 20, we see the good to which we are to focus our energies. Paul writes, "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head."

Paul is telling us that our focus is to be on serving our enemies, not retaliating or seeking personal vengeance. Look for ways to humbly serve those who have wronged you: feed them, give them a drink when they are very thirsty, heap burning coals upon his head.

"Heap burning coals upon his head? Wow! I can get into to that! Burn the sucker!" Well, that's not what Paul has in mind here. There is quite a bit of scholarly speculation as to just what Paul means here, but all of the scholars agree that whatever it is, it refers to something positive, not evil. I personally believe that it refers to meeting the need to a practical problem that occurred often in Paul's day. It was the problem of keeping a fire lit in one's home. If one's fire in one's home went out, they didn't have matches to quickly restart the fire. If you wanted to restart the fire, you could go to the center of the village or town, collect some coals from a community fire, carry them back on your head, in a clay pot, insulated on the bottom with a rag.

But if you had a good neighbor, you wouldn't have to go all the way into town to get those coals. You would simply go next door and they would put some burning coals into your pot that was on your head, and you would return home to start a fire. This was considered a generous response by one's neighbor.

Probably one of the best real life scriptural examples of what happens when a believer doesn't take revenge but obeys Paul's words is found in Act 7:60. Here, Stephen was being stoned to death for being a follower of Jesus Christ. As he was being stoned, Stephen prayed for those who were killing him, saying, "lord, do not hold this sin against them." Of this scene, James Boice in his commentary writes, "His prayer was heard too. We do not know what happened to everyone who was present at the stoning of Stephen that day, but we do know what happened to one of them. His name was Saul, later known as Paul, the author of this very letter [to the Romans]. He was profoundly moved by the way Stephen prayed for his antagonists, and Stephen's death won or at least pricked the heart of [Paul] his tormentor." [ROMANS vol.4, Boice, p. 1609]

It was St. Augustine who said, "The Church owes Paul to the prayer of Stephen." [THE LETTER TO THE ROMANS, William Barclay, p.182] Prayer for your enemies best is a work of loving service.

When we step back and look at what Paul is saying in these last verses concerning how to live with an enemy who has wronged us, we see basically two positive alternatives to revenge: First is to leave any necessary punishment to God; secondly, to get busy ins serving our enemies welfare.

Then in verse 21, Paul summarizes his entire argument that began back in verse 9, in dealing with difficult people. He says, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Throughout this entire section of scripture, Paul has been setting up a contrast between doing good or evil. He has said,

EVIL GOOD v. 14-16 Don’t curse Bless v. 17-18 Don’t retaliate Do what is right; live at peace v. 19-20 Don’t take revenge Leave vengeance to God Serve your enemy v. 21 Don’t be overcome by evil Overcome evil by good

Paul's entire message in this section could be summarized by the following principle: retaliation and revenge are absolutely forbidden to the followers of Jesus Christ.

But, what are we to do if we have retaliated or sought revenge against someone who has wronged us or hurt us deeply...whether it is a parent, a child, a spouse, someone at school or someone with whom we work? First, in your heart, privately forgive them for what they have done. Then, seek their forgiveness for having retaliated. This may seem to be totally Polly Annish, but listen closely for a minute, as I become painfully honest with you.

Last February, I went on a hunting trip with my Dad. Many of you know that he doesn't know Jesus yet and have been praying for him. You also know how much I love my father. Something happened on that trip that I am not very proud of. I know better. My father did something that hurt me deeply and simultaneously brought about my retaliation. I acted in a way that was wrong, evil and certainly not appropriate for any Christian, let alone a pastor.

I returned home from that trip without ever dealing with my father concerning the incident. I, quite frankly, was ticked off. My Dad didn't have a very close or warm relationship with his father growing up. He was emotionally abused by his dad, and in turn, has emotionally abused me all my life. Yet, I know he loves me, he just doesn't know what he is doing sometimes or even why he is doing it.

By the time I returned home, I knew that I had to forgive Dad for what happened, and I would have to ask his forgiveness for having wronged him. It was very easy for me to forgive him, but extremely humiliating and humbling to seek his forgiveness. I wanted to talk to him face to face and not over the phone, but I wouldn't see him again until April. A letter was out because my father does not approve of recording such personal matters in ink. My heart was aching deeply as every day went by. Finally, three weeks ago, I felt the Lord directing me to not wait till April, but to risk writing a letter. Boy, was that hard to see in print my own sin. In that letter, I basically told him I had wronged him and asked him to please forgive me. I did not subtly refer to anything that he did wrong. I left his wrong doing out of it all together. I nervously sent the letter.

Last week, I received a letter in return. He forgave me and acknowledged that we both have some things to work on as it regards how we relate to one another. Furthermore, he felt that it may be best if we take some time at the end of April when I go down to visit him, to discuss our relationship, so that nothing like that happens again. 

Friends, I still have a lot to learn about how to relate to my own Dad, someone I love very much. I wish we had the same open relationship that I have with my kids, but we don't yet. Maybe in the future we will. But if God is going to bless us with that kind of relationship, retaliation and revenge must be put aside.

This morning, as we close, there may be someone you need to forgive for having retaliating against them or seeking their revenge. Or, you may be harboring bitterness over wrong treatment and need to forgive them and seek ways to serve them. Take a moment right now, to ask God to bring to your mind anyone that He may want you to clear up a relationship with; someone with whom He wants you to do all that is in your power to live at peace with that person. If God has brought someone to your mind, does he want you to forgive them? Does he want you to seek their forgiveness? Is there something he wants you to do to build a bridge to a peaceful relationship with them? Is there some way that you can serve that person who has wronged you? If so, then tell God, that in obedience to Him, you will do what He has placed upon your heart to do. Take a moment to think that through, and then I'll close in prayer.

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