WHAT TO DO WHEN CONFLICT ARISES - I

Titus 3:9-11; Mt. 18:15-17
Bob Bonner
August 16, 2009

Shortly after the fall of the human race, the first evidence of conflict between humans is noted in Genesis 3:11-12. The first wrong doing was Adam’s putting the blame on Eve for having knowingly disobeyed God and eaten the forbidden fruit. One can only imagine the difference in closeness and marital intimacy that one sinful act had on that first couple, especially on their first night alone together after having been cast out of the Garden of Eden. The Bible does not give us the details, but having experienced enough of fallen human nature, one can guess that their first night alone was not a joy-filled one. Tension for the first time in their marriage had occurred.

From tension and conflict in marriage, the very next chapter in Genesis, Genesis 4, points to conflict in the family, this time between siblings. Jealousy between Cain and Abel led to the first murder, Cain’s killing Abel. Then later in the same chapter, more conflict leads to another murder outside of the nuclear family.

The point is that ever since sin became a reality, there has been a history of conflict between people as well as injustices of all kinds. Sometimes wrong is done by those who live under the same roof. Sometimes it is someone who is not part of your family, but a neighbor. Sometimes conflict is experienced at work or in the community on a team or in school or in politics or in the church.

Realizing the prevalence of conflict and injustice in our world, God set up a plan to manage it in a reasonable fashion. He first spelled out His plan to the children of Israel when he told them how they as a nation were to deal with wrongs suffered. Then, during New Testament times, Jesus and the Apostles gave Christians more detailed instructions about how Christians are to appropriately work out wrongs suffered, in a manner that brings honor and glory to Jesus Christ.

This morning, due to our next passage of study in Titus, we are going to begin looking at what we are to do when we find ourselves wronged by someone and thus entangled in stressful, emotionally-packed conflict. By way of a brief introduction, we first will take a quick look at Titus 3:9-11, which discusses the issue of people who were causing a disruption in the church at Crete. 

When Paul wrote these words to Titus, he was expecting Titus to pass along to the rest of the newly-formed church leadership principles for them to follow when they faced a challenge to their leadership. Follow along as I read these verses. Paul writes, “But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and strife and disputes about the Law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. Reject a factious man after a first and second warning, knowing that such a man is perverted and is sinning, being self-condemned.”

When Paul commanded Titus and the leadership to “reject a factious” person after two warnings, he literally meant to expel or kick that person out of the church! At first glance, and without any other understanding of what God’s Word has to say about dealing with sin and conflict, this command appears to be rather harsh and maybe even rash. I assure you it is not. When one understands other passages of Scripture that pertain to such matters and give us principles to civilly and judiciously resolve wrong doing, these words appear to be absolutely appropriate.

Personally, it has taken many years for me to acquire the understanding of how to resolve conflicts Biblically. One major reason for this is that the pertinent chapters or passages of Scripture that deal with this subject are not all found in one place in the Bible. Instead, bits and pieces of them are found throughout the Old and New Testaments. Over years of study, I have accumulated principles dealing with this subject, but often times, as an Elder, I have only learned some of these principles after I had made some serious mistakes in trying to resolve wrong doings toward me and others. 

This leads to the second reason it took so long for me to understand the Biblical principles behind resolving conflicts and the “why” behind this series: I don’t recall having been taught or having read a book that explains how to Biblically resolve various kinds of conflicts. 

Wouldn’t it have been nice in seminary or in some Bible class or sermon series if somewhere someone would have put all the key passages together in a series so that we “newbies” to the Christian faith could at least understand the “in-bounds” and “out-of-bounds” markers as they concern dealing with issues of conflict? Maybe someone already has. If so, I’m not aware of it.

In the next six or so messages, that’s what we want to accomplish. We want to know what we are to do and how we are to go about trying to resolve conflict between two parties. But lest we promise more than we can deliver, let it be understood that this series will not contain everything the Bible has to say about the subject or all that I know of the subject. It is simply going to be a place for you to begin in your own study of how to Biblically handle people who have wronged you. Furthermore, let it be understood that I’m still learning about this subject myself.

This morning, we will begin what will take us several weeks to look very closely at, a familiar passage that deals with what to do when someone sins against you. We are beginning with this passage because Jesus bases His instructions in Matthew 18 on other passages at which we will look more closely. These summarize other basic principles concerning conflict resolution that the average Jew had understood for millennia.

As we proceed during the upcoming weeks, we will look at some of the basic steps of correction found here in Matthew 18 and then move to the goals behind these steps of correction. Let’s begin by looking at the first two steps to correcting a Christian who sins against you.

It is presumed that Jesus’ audience in Matthew 18:15 is the twelve disciples who are meeting in Peter’s home at Capernaum for some up close and personal instruction. This is very important to keep in mind, as well as the fact that these disciples were all Jews, and that the basics of this teaching by Jesus had been taught them long before they had met Him. In other words, the teaching found here was not new to them. But as the rest of Matthew 18 will show, Jesus’ main purpose in teaching this passage was not so much how to resolve conflict when wronged, but how to deal with the hurt that follows an injustice or when someone appears to get away with having sinned against you. Jesus shows us here not only what you should do but what your attitude should be toward the one who has wronged you.

If you have your Bibles turned to Matthew 18:15-17, then follow along as I read. Jesus says:

If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to

you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take

one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three

witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them,

tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let

him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

The first step to resolving a broken relationship due to sin is spelled out in verse 15. The injured party is to personally confront his offender. 

Take note that verse 15 is not dealing with a broken relationship due to one’s being offended, irritated, or having had one’s personal convictions violated, such feeling it wrong to wear a T-Shirt to church, feeling slighted, left out, or having been inconvenienced about something. This verse specifically deals with a Biblically moral wrong that is black and white sin, for example, lying, cheating, slandering, stealing, or so on. It is much more than merely being overly sensitive or irritated because of cultural differences, inconveniences to your life, or personal offenses.

For instance, if you were not invited to a wedding and you were offended, these steps don’t necessarily apply. If you don’t like to worship around men who wear coats and ties, get over it! This doesn’t concern cultural differences. If someone put the meeting or Bible Study on a day or time that makes it impossible for you to attend, this slight or inconvenience is not what is in mind here. Get over it! We are talking about conflicts due to sin. Other than that, we are to tolerate or accept one another. Take up your cross daily, deny yourself, and follow Christ! Life is not about getting what you want or always being understood or being given consideration or being given credit. I repeat, take up your cross daily, deny yourself, and follow Christ!

Also, take note that these steps point to a broken relationship between two believers, not a believer and a non-Christian. Although I have used this first step in conflict resolution with a non-Christian with limited success, and will show you how and why I have done so, these steps to resolving conflicts has two Christians in mind. 

Typically, Jesus’ commands do not carry the same weight with non-Christians as they do with believers. You should not expect a non-Christian to follow Christ’s directions. However, if you want to resolve a conflict with a non-Christian, the logical and best way is to at least attempt to follow the wisdom behind Jesus’ commands found in verse 16.

By using the term "brother," Jesus encouraged a humble approach when confronting someone who has wronged you. I believe Jesus is encouraging this for several reasons. First, Christians, including Christian leaders, should deal with other Christians as brothers rather than as superiors and inferiors. Humility is always the key to successfully restoring a broken relationship. As D. A. Carson wrote in his commentary on Matthew, "If it is hard to accept a rebuke, even a private one, it is harder still to administer one in loving humility." 

Keep in mind, if the offender in question is to be successfully approached about a wrong done, that person may not be aware of his error and/or the “offended” may have been mistaken in what they heard or observed. This is another reason why Jesus requires us to confront one another when we feel sinned against, because without the confrontation, we can’t always know for sure whether or not the “guilty” party was wrong or even intended to sin against us. 

Nothing encourages the destructive work of Satan more than presumption on our part, like thinking the other person knew they were doing wrong or intended to harm us. Nothing stirs up guilt by circumstantial evidence like that banal counsel, “Where there’s smoke, there is fire!” when a conflict is allowed to take place without having the two parties involved meeting face to face to discuss their issues. Trust me, over almost forty years of ministry, I have discovered that not everything that appears to be smoke is smoke! Satan is the author of lies, deceit, and errant presumption. He is the one who loves to destroy all that God considers good, including loving relationships. 

So when going to the offended, the humble approach is the wise approach. Nothing is more embarrassing or hurtful to all concerned than going in with your guns blazing, hurt and seeking your pound of flesh, only to find out that the “offender” never knew he had wronged you, or, even worse, he has proof of no wrong doing or a reasonable explanation for what you thought was sin!

The verb "reprove" or "show him his fault" means "to convict" in the sense of producing an awareness of guilt. It is a term requiring humility by not approaching someone with the sense of lording it over them. Again, in each of these steps, humility is the key. The goal, as we will see in a moment, is to not humiliate the sinning brother, but to help him or to do good toward the sinning brother. 

Another small observation, found in Matthew 18:15 that oozes practical wisdom in a day of many forms of communication comes from the imperative “go.” Sometimes it is impossible to physically go to a person because they don’t live nearby. At those times, and if time is of the essence, then the next best thing is to call the offender on the phone, or use a “Skype” program on the computer that allows you to visually see and speak to someone else.  Sometimes that may not be possible, so the least effective or least productive manner of communication is to write a letter or email the offender of your complaint.  Whenever it is possible, the best approach is to go in person. By doing so, you are humbling yourself and honoring the other person by demonstrating that they and this issue should be important to both of you. If you have trouble saying spontaneously what is on your heart in a humble manner, then go with a letter in hand and read to the person what is on your heart. 

A few years ago a Christian came to me about a businessman who had ripped him off on the sale of a product. He told me he had written a letter and was about to mail it, telling this businessman that he would never do business with him again and making other threats. I asked him, “Do you think that is what Jesus would have you do?” 

He replied honestly, “I really don’t know.” 

Then I asked, “Do you care?” 

He said, “Sure I care!” 

I continued, “Do you know if this man is a Christian?”

He truthfully said, “I don’t know.”

“Well, according to Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18, if this one who wronged you even thinks he’s a Christian, even though he isn’t acting like it, what would Jesus have you to do? Does He command you to send him a letter, or write a message on a scroll of papyri and send it to him?” 

My friend answered, “No.” 

“So, what does Jesus tell you to do?”

“To go to him. Give him a chance to prove himself one way or another.”

“So, what does that mean? And more importantly, what are you going to do about it?”

He said, “I guess I’m going to go confront him.”

I said, “Good. And rewrite your letter and take it with you. As you rewrite it, remember what Jesus’ goal is for this person: restoration and blessing, not getting your pound of flesh. If you leave him the letter, as well as go to see him, he will think harder about what you have done and won’t be so quick to blow you off. In the end, he may disregard you. But you may find in days to come, he may call you up and want to talk further. And if he doesn’t know Christ, you might have an opportunity to speak to him about our Lord.”

My friend followed Christ’s instructions, and we both believe Jesus was honored as a result, and that this other business person better understands who he is and what his needs are!

Here is one last piece of practical wisdom. After you have expressed your concern, don’t demand an answer or response right then. Keep in mind, you have been thinking about this problem for some time. They have not, and may be surprised by your concerns. If the offender wants to give you an answer, fine. But usually, it’s best to give them time to think about it. In fact, before you rush to the next step, even if they tell you to take your letter and leave, give the Holy Spirit some time to work on their heart. Maybe even follow up a week later and ask them if they have given your meeting any more thought. If the person still stubbornly refuses to repent, then move to step two. But I have discovered that if I allow the Holy Spirit time to convict, often times I never have to go to step two.

Jesus clearly tells us what the end goal is in confronting the sinner. This goal remains the same whether you are at step one or step four. It is to “win your brother.”  This expression is rather a unique one in Greek literature. It means to win someone for something or to win something for someone, or to spare someone a major loss, which in the end will bring them great gain. The idea is to truly help them, to restore something important to them such as their fellowship with the Lord or their friendship with you through your forgiveness of them. Look at these next two passages when you consider the goal of correction: First, Luke 17:3-4 which says, “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day and returns to you seven times saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” One way to do good for your brother, or to “win him,” is to “forgive him.” 

By the way, let me add here that, according to Ephesians 4:32, we are to forgive him as Jesus forgave us. “How was that?” you ask. Jesus demonstrated how He forgave us as He hung on the cross, crying out to the Father, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they do.” In other words, Jesus forgave us before we ever asked Him for forgiveness or we knew that we were wrong. The asking for forgiveness is more for the healing process of the one who has done wrong than for our need for justice. That’s what Jesus taught us about how to forgive by His example.  To put it in the form of a principle: wise is the person who forgives the one who has sinned against him before he goes to reprove him.

One more passage is James 5:19-20. “My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”

From the Biblical authorities I have checked, “his soul” refers to the soul of the one who has strayed from the truth. The “saving of his soul” refers to the straying believer’s ability to return to enjoying life today, not his eternal security. This is another passage underscoring the goal of “winning a brother” or the “good” to be done for the one who sins.

Hence, it should start to become clear that the objective of going to the brother who has sinned against you should be the erring Christian’s restoration and forgiveness, not your receiving justice. If that is not clear to you yet, by the time we finish Jesus’ teaching on this, all the way through to Matthew 18:35, where Jesus says, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart,” it will be. You should read the rest of this chapter several times in the weeks ahead, as we continue to work our way through its entirety.

One last thought from this verse: The commitment to the objective of restoration and forgiveness, empowered by the true humility of the injured party, is not demonstrated by passively waiting for the sinner to come to you to beg forgiveness and then granting it. Rather, humility is manifested by actively seeking out the erring brother and attempting to bring him around to seeing how he is losing out on life because of his actions.

Please notice that there are no exceptions listed here to going to the offender. There is no “go if you think he is repentant” or “go if you know he knows he is guilty” or “go if you think you can win.” It’s just “go!”

Realizing that taking the first step is hard enough for most people and oftentimes is not successful, Jesus goes on to say that we are not to quit in trying to do good for our sinning Christian brother. He tells us in verse 16 that if we don’t succeed, then we are to take step two, a much misunderstood step. “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.”

Some have interpreted this verse to mean that if the first step failed, then you are to take two other Christians with you to witness your confrontation of the sinning brother, and by doing so heighten the pressure for this person to admit their wrong or defend their actions. However, I believe that when we read the whole verse in its original context, we will clearly see that this is not what Jesus had in mind. So, let’s look at Deuteronomy 19:15 and see what this verse is saying in context. It reads, “A single witness shall not rise up against a man on account of any iniquity or any sin which he has committed; on the evidence of two or three witnesses a matter shall be confirmed.” Do you see the point? “The evidence” refers to the evidence of two or more witnesses who observed the sin of the offender, just as the first witness who was personally wronged and who had already approached him in verse 15.

Hence, the objective of Matthew 18:16 is not that the two or more witnesses become witnesses to the offended’s confrontation of the sinning brother, but to confirm the facts of the wrong doing of the offender, because they were there when he sinned against their brother! In other words, the second step for the injured party is to confront the sinning brother with two or more eye witnesses to his sin. They were to literally, with their mouths, declare or “confirm” to the offender that they were witnesses to his sin as well. That’s the point of Deuteronomy 19:15. In other words, this is not a matter of misunderstanding or poor judgment on someone’s part. It was a black and white sin, a caught-in-the-act sin. Again, the goal is restoration and forgiveness, as we will see as we continue our study of Matthew 18. And the key to the successful confrontation by these new witnesses is still the humility of those reproving the sinner.

 By way of review, the first three goals of church discipline we have barely touched upon, but will further clarify in weeks to come. First, our goal as the offended is not to humiliate the one who wronged us or to get our pound of flesh in retaliation. It is rather to help the “offender” do good or that which is most profitable for him in the end.

Secondly, we are to point the offender toward repentance. Thirdly, we are to practice forgiveness when wronged, whether or not the offender even seeks forgiveness. What have you learned from this lesson that was new to you? What difference do you think it will make in your approach to dealing with future wounds that come from the hands of those who are fellow Christians?

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