WHAT TO DO WHEN CONFLICT ARISES - II

Titus 3:9-11; Mt. 18:15-16
Bob Bonner
August 23, 2009

Last week we began a new series dealing with how we are to respond to conflict between Christians. We have taken on this series because, in order to fully grasp Paul’s instructions to Titus in Titus 3:9-11 as to how the church leadership were to deal with factious people, people who were rebelling against their leadership, we determined we needed to understand the foundational Biblical principles that Paul’s words in Titus 3:9-11 are built upon. In order to do that we have to leave Titus temporarily and go to other passages of Scripture to get a fuller understanding of the basics of how God wants us to resolve our conflicts with one another.

Last week, we began by taking a close look at Matthew 18:15-17, which contains Christ’s words to his disciples about how to deal with common conflicts between people. We have chosen this chapter as a place to begin, because Christ quotes and bases His instruction on the teachings of Deuteronomy 19, which was a well-known Old Testament passage to the Jews and, I presume, these twelve disciples that Jesus is addressing.

As a result of several questions that arose from our study last week, I felt it necessary for us to return to the same verses this morning to further clarify what we have already covered before we continue on in our study of this passage. I believe this to be worthy of some repetition because, quite frankly, it is so foundational and necessary for Christians to understand correctly and to apply to their lives. If we don’t understand or don’t commit ourselves to applying these verses to our lives, we will not be able to obey God’s Word as stated by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12:18, which says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”  

When I read the context of the verses that precede Romans 12:18, to be specific, Romans 12:9-17, I do not see that Paul simply has in mind how Christians are to live with non-Christians. I think the verses reveal that the scope is much broader than this, since the previous verses all deal with Christians and their ministry to one another. Hence, I see Paul speaking to Christians about how they are to live with both Christians and non-Christians, both groups being pretty sinful people and quite capable of causing hurt. 

In other words, as the Apostle Paul experienced at the hands of fellow Christians in Rome, Christians can treat each other pretty ghastly ways. We can be very small, insensitive, hurtful, jealous, self-centered, and hateful toward one another with hardly trying. We can slander another Christian just as fast as a non-Christian. We can presume to know another’s motives and condemn them without ever speaking to them. In anger, we can quietly raise doubts in other people’s minds about the character of people we know in common.

Therefore we need to understand how Jesus wants us to handle conflicts with other Christians. Notice, I did not say “settle” conflicts with others, because sometimes two parties will never be able to agree or come to terms about a hurtful situation. One will see it as sin and another will not. But we must learn to agree to disagree and move on together in our service for Jesus. To do otherwise is to destroy the family of God, whom God has chosen to reach our world with the Gospel.

So let’s return to our study by rereading Matthew 18:15-20. Jesus is speaking to His twelve Jewish disciples, alone in a room, probably at Peter’s home in Capernaum. He says,

¹⁵If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if

he listens to you, you have won your brother. ¹⁶But if he does

not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the

mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.

¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he

refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a

Gentile and a tax collector. ¹⁸Truly I say to you, whatever you

bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever

you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. ¹⁹Again I

say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything

that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who

is in heaven. ²⁰For where two or three have gathered together

in My name, I am there in their midst.

As I have thought deeply about these verses, I have come to the conclusion that if Christians don’t put into practice what Jesus teaches us here concerning our dealings with people who have wronged us, we risk taking our eyes off Jesus and putting aside His priority for which He has called us to live for Him in our world. In place of living for His calling upon our lives, our tendency will be to focus on how we have been hurt, wrongs we have suffered, and our feeling of being treated unfairly to the point that we make gods of our rights, our agendas, our feelings, and our hurts. In short, we violate the second commandment--we commit idolatry. When wrongs done to us take up all of our thoughts and emotional energy, we are giving worship or priority to that which is not God. We would rather remain angry at those who have wronged us than to worship Jesus and to focus on serving Him no matter what. 

If you want a human model of a Christian to emulate when you have been wronged, go back and study Paul’s words and example in his letter to the Philippians, chapter 1. Here he was in prison because of the Gospel, and the Christians in Rome are making his life miserable.

If you come from a Christian home, I doubt you have to look too far down your family line to find people who have been deeply hurt by others and are so entangled in the resultant bitterness and that they can’t seem to get on with their lives.  Hence, we are not done with last week’s first two steps to dealing with conflict with other Christians. We need to go back and take a deeper look and clarify some things.

Last week, we looked at the first step as spelled out in verse 15, which teaches us that when one feels wronged, he is to confront the one who wronged him.

That seems pretty clear, doesn’t it? Yet, after years of experience of having tried to walk people through this very first and simple step, I have discovered that if we can complicate the simple or mess up that which is basic and clear, we will. So last time, we noted five observations from the text to help us better understand exactly what we are to do when we think we have been wronged. 

First, the text teaches that the situations considered here deal with sin, not offenses, irritations, sights, or personal conviction. This observation should be a simple and an obvious one. But in reality, I have discovered over the years that we make it more complicated than it is.  Just this past week, I was made aware of a situation where someone thought they were clearly in the right to confront another about a wrong behavior. The problem was, the behavior in question was not a clearly wrong behavior, something that the Bible calls sin, but rather someone’s judgment of another’s “motive” for doing or acting a certain way. This first step is only to be taken when black and white sin occurs, sin that can be documented, not interpreted. We are not to confront someone with the objective of correcting their motives.  Furthermore, we are not to nor can we with any sense of accuracy guarantee the motives of a person’s heart. Only God can do that.

Here’s another point that people turn to that makes things unnecessarily complicated.  The fact that I may feel deeply hurt by another person’s actions does not mean that I was necessarily sinned against by that person! It may mean simply that I am deeply hurt that a dream or expectation of mine was prevented from being realized because of an action or decision that another made, which was perfectly within their right or position of authority. I may be hurt by their decision and maybe even by the way they let me know of their decision, but my hurt does not equal sin!

I have known many parents who, when they have learned that their married children have decided to go to the foreign mission field, were outraged. They had always dreamed of having their family close to home, or at least within a few hours of travel. But to have sons, daughters, or even grandchildren taken away causes them to feel wronged. To this day, various levels of bitterness and resentment exist between them.

Sometimes legitimate feelings of hurt or of being wronged may be due to a misunderstanding or to two parties not being able to agree on a matter. But hurt due to lack of agreement does not automatically mean that someone has sinned or wronged another.

Take the example of an employer firing a long-time employee so that an out-of-work relative may have his job. Is that sin? No. That’s the employer’s prerogative. Does it feel unfair to the loyal employ being fired? Absolutely. Does it seem cruel to the fired employee and other employees? Probably. But is it wrong or sin? No. Those in leadership are often put in the position to make a decision that causes others to feel they were treated unjustly or unfairly. But that does not automatically make the action taken a sin because someone else’s feelings are hurt. 

So, what are we to do when our feelings get hurt or we feel that an injustice has been done to us, but there is no sin one can point to?  We really have only one of two choices as to how we will respond to feeling that we have been wronged or hurt, yet not sinned against. The first is the wrong choice. Yet, it typically is the one we are bent on taking, as we are driven more by our emotions than what the Word of God says. The wrong choice leads us to hold on to our hurt, to focus on it, to brood over it, to rally the support of others to the injustice suffered, and to remain bitter and resentful toward the one who treated us unfairly.  That’s the wrong choice, because typically it breeds divisiveness at work, in the family, in the church, and elsewhere.

The second choice, the right choice, is founded not on one’s emotions, but on what God’s Word says we are to do, regardless of how we feel. One such passage that tells us what we are do when our rights feel violated or our expectations ruined is Jesus’ instructions in Luke 9:22-25.  Speaking of Himself, Jesus said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed and be raised up on the third day.” Please note, this is the height of injustice and it even involves sin against Jesus. But did He take the time to go after His pound of flesh from those who had wronged Him? No. Jesus, knowing that he was about to set the example for us to follow, turned to those around him and said, “²³And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself.”  What does that mean, to “deny one’s self”? It means to put aside your rights, your expectations, your dreams, and even in some cases to put aside injustices done to you for something of greater importance. And what would that be? Jesus told us, “And take up his cross daily and follow Me.” In other words, this is the choice that is required of those who choose to submit to and follow after Jesus. Daily, we have to put our wishes aside if we are going to follow after Jesus and fulfill His wishes. Daily, we have to live with the pain of the cross, or personal suffering and injustice, to follow Christ. Jesus continued, “²⁴For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it.” In other words, whoever tries to keep or get all of his justice or rights or dreams realized in this life, whoever tries to push his or her agenda at all costs, even if they succeed, will never be satisfied.  Deep satisfaction for that person will remain elusive. He continued, “But whoever loses his life for My sake . . .,”  that is for Christ’s purposes, for the gospel, for the unity of the body, and for the building up of the body, “he is the one who will save it.”  That person, although he or she may not receive their justice here on earth, will find meaning and deep satisfaction for having made the work of Christ their focus and priority. Then Jesus concluded with what I call a “perspective getter” statement. “²⁵For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?”

Getting our desires, being understood, and being treated fairly is not what life is all about. For in trying to do so, you will be frustrated, because you will have made your god but your wishes and expectations and your rights, not God 

Another reason that making it a priority that we get our rights or that we are treated fairly will prove to be a loss to us in the end is that, due to sin in this world, you will not always be treated fairly in every situation. Accept the fact that life at times in this temporal world will be harsh and unfair. And when it happens, after all legal or Biblical recourse has been followed, let it go, put your eyes back on Jesus and His calling for your life, and go after His purposes! 

A couple of chapters later in Luke, Jesus warned us what a refusal to practice this means. He told us in Luke 14:26,-27, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.”

What does Jesus mean by “hate?” He does not mean to emotionally hate or reject or turn our backs on our parents or children. We know that because there are other passages that tell us to honor our mothers and fathers and to love and care for wives and children.  In this context, Jesus is pointing to who or what is to be the priority in our lives. He and His purposes are to be number one, not our wishes, not our dreams, not our expectations, not our reputations, not our rights. And should it come that one has to choose between a loved one and obeying Christ, we are to choose Christ. Everything else that would run in competition to His purposes is to be rejected or “hated.” 

Furthermore, Jesus makes it plain that anyone who puts another person or their rights or wishes or agenda before Christ is not His disciple. And that can mean one of two things: he is either not Jesus’ disciple at that moment until he repents, or is not Jesus’ disciple at all, meaning he is unsaved!

So, Jesus is pretty straight up about what is to be the priority in our lives. It is His will and His purposes, not our rights, wishes, expectations, or idea of what is fair.  A while back, when I was whining about my own life and what wasn’t fair or right and about actions taken toward me that I thought were uncalled for, I started to fume as bitterness began its work in my heart. It was at that time that the Lord reminded me in one of those unique moments with this word, “Bob, what about the cross don’t you understand?!”  Folks, let’s face it: Life is hard even on a good day. But life is even harder when you follow Christ, and He told us it would be so!

Secondly, last time we observed from verse 15 that the first step typically applies to two Christians in conflict. Although there is wisdom here that can apply to anyone, Jesus’ words are being heard and accepted by those who believe in Him and who have chosen to follow Him. Non-Christians don’t and shouldn’t feel any obligation to accept or follow Christ’s instructions, regardless of how wise they may be.

Thirdly, we noted that the term “brother” encourages you to be humble when approaching someone who has wronged you. The key to conflict resolution is personal humility in confronting the one who is in sin. Self-righteousness or speaking to another as though they were inferior or expressing one’s anger does not typically lead to a successful resolution or repentance on the part of the one who sinned.

Fourthly, God tells us that the best approach is to go in person, not send an email or speak over the phone. Eyeball to eyeball discussion allows both parties to better communicate through using words and body language. It also provides the opportunity to not only demonstrate that one is serious about following Christ and living in harmony with a brother, but in addition, to demonstrate humility on the part of the one who was wronged.

Finally, the text tells us that the goal is to win your brother. The goal is not to be right or to humiliate the one who was wrong or to seek punishment or revenge against the offender. The goal is to do good or to help your brother grow in his relationship with the Lord and others. It is to help your brother see that what he is doing is not only not in his best interest, but is not in the best interest of others.

If we go in anger, that is usually a sign that we have an agenda, a bone to pick, and in the end, humility is not reigning in our lives. We are not really thinking about what is best for the one who has sinned; we are thinking about ourselves. That’s why we are encouraged to forgive as Jesus forgave. This means that we go to the person, having already forgiven them whether they realize what they have done is wrong or not. Wise is the person who forgives the one who sins against him before he goes to reprove him.

When sin has taken place, and it is legitimate to go to the person to confront them about their sin against you, it is possible that the wrong doer will deny or justify their sin, refusing to repent. In that case, what are you to do? Verse 16 tells us. Step two is that the injured party confronts the sinning brother with two or more eyewitnesses to his sin.

Jesus bases this step on Deuteronomy 19:15. The purpose of this step is not to bring two or more people to the confrontation meeting so that they witness the confrontation and put psychological pressure on the wrong doer so that he will admit that he was wrong. The purpose is to bring two or three other eyewitnesses to the wrongdoer’s sin, to let him know that he was indeed caught in the act and must repent. Again, the goal is not to brow beat but to do what is best for the wrongdoer, so that he will see the folly of his way and repent.

But, as someone asked me last week, “What do you do if you have no other eyewitnesses?” According to Deuteronomy 19:15, one is forbidden, on the word of only the offended, to make a formal complaint. If I don’t have any other witnesses to the sin someone has committed against me, then I have to let the matter drop. Remember, hurt feelings can be seen, felt, and understood by many people. But hurt feelings don’t mean a sin was necessarily committed. 

However, some feel that although there can be no formal complaint, Deuteronomy 19:17 gives permission for the one wronged to ask a judge, priest, or elder to investigate the matter. If he does not find any factual evidence or the offender doesn’t admit his guilt, the matter must be dropped. On the other hand, if he does find factual evidence of sin, or the guilty party does admit to the sin, then the elder can take the appropriate steps, which we will cover in the weeks ahead.

At this point, people typically scream, “But wait a minute! Then that means if I am the only witness to another’s sin, and he denies it, that I have to let the guilty party get away!” No, that’s not the case, if you are a Bible-believing follower of Christ.  Look at what Romans 12:17-21 says to Christians in a context, I might add, of Christians living with other Christians. Paul writes,

¹⁷Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right

in the sight of all men. ¹⁸If possible, so far as it depends on you,

be at peace with all men. ¹⁹Never take your own revenge,

beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written,

“Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰But if your

enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a

drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.

²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

God says that He will always bring his vengeance on those who think they are getting away with something. Nobody ever gets away with anything. But what it does say is that suffering hurts and injustices, being offended and even sinned against without resolution, is part of life, even part of living with Christians. So your responsibility, even when wronged, “as far as it depends on you,” is to “be at peace with all men.” 

Why do you think Paul closes this passage with “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good?” Because even when it involves another member of the church family, when we are hurt by someone, our first response is to do evil, to bring harm. And we want to reject them and leave the church, or to slander them while we stay. It rarely is seen that those who have been hurt by other Christians turn to Christ and ask Him to work a miracle in and through their lives to feed their enemies, or do a kindness to the one who has wronged. No, in America we typically are overcome by the urge to pay back evil with evil.

Again, I point you back to Jesus’ words in Luke 9:22-25 and what it takes to be a follower of Jesus Christ. It requires a daily denying of ourselves, taking up our cross, and following Him.

Are you doing all that is possible to “live at peace with all men,” including those who have hurt or wronged you?

When it comes to “denying yourself,” what have you been recently challenged with in denying yourself so that you could continue to follow Jesus Christ?

When you have been wronged in the past or deeply wounded, did you make gods of your rights, your agendas, your feelings, or the wrongs done to you so that your hurt became your focus of worship rather than Jesus Christ and His will? If so, would you handle the situation the same way today? Why?

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